Critique My Personal Statement PLZ.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Critique My Personal Statement PLZ.

Postby jasonc. » Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:25 am

As I travel two hours every morning to school, my mind goes on a journey of its own. Like clockwork, there comes a time when I can no longer get satisfaction from looking at the shabby vistas passing me by. Instead, I began to people watch. People shuffle back and forth, women with baby carriages struggle to balance, homeless people come aboard to make their speeches, and elders’ bodies fatigue as the wait for an available seat. These mundane occurrences usually go unnoticed, if one truly does not pay attention. However, the past three years of my life has involved watching these on goings, and surprisingly has forced me to reflect heavily on my life today, appreciation for the law, and I may use it to impact others.
The people on the trains all tend to ignore each other, but this is not a purely purposeful act as some people are quick to utter. They say cliché things to this effect: New Yorkers are unfriendly and live life with a tunnel vision. A better explanation would be to say that people are simply too overwhelmed with the personal routine or maybe face insurmountable hardships that can consume their lives. If this is true, neither I nor anyone else can blame people for their indifference to the problems of others. Most people cannot control the bad that occurs in their life let alone getting involved in communal endeavors. More, specifically I speak about the responsibility to know the law and the work involved protecting rights and the quality of life. I believe that people need access to legal recourse no matter their station in life. This fact have lead me to develop a passion to want to know the law to people for those who cannot find the time themselves to learn it and learn how it can possibly transform their lives.
I began to think about the importance of law long before I entered college. My life began in Jamaica, WI .At age three I was brought to the United States illegally. It was my mother’s hope that life would be better for us, even though well intended, it was fully thought out plan. For a while I lived virtually unaffected by my immigration status until I reached my senior year in high school. Everyone around me was excited at prospect going off to college and experiencing new things in their life. I was the only one that dreaded the end of the year. The more people would ask me “why aren’t you applying you have a good record?”, the more I felt upset However, I could not blame my mother because at the time she worked part time ,so she had to figure out how to keep us afloat while figuring out my legal situation on her own. It was a very slow crawl towards gaining my proper documentation, it finally happen ten years after I started the process. When I reflect on those days of uncertainty, I realize that I was truly lucky. There are many people that are in a similar position that I faced a few years ago but with even worse living conditions. Having moved past this kind of situation I have empathy for those still struggling. I know that it would have been less troubling time if I had a legal aid e to guide me through the process. From this time I began to truly want to pursue a legal career, and I moved forward in my college career with this in mind.
In spring 2010, I enrolled in an internship at the Attorney General’s office in Harlem which helped to foster my drive to learn the law and help others as well. I worked in the consumer fraud department, acting as a mediator. My basic responsibility was to help settle disputes between consumers and businesses. I learned about laws regarding consumer rights and their access to information. People that I spoke with, lacked basic knowledge about the law ,or they had no time to pursue the party that had wrong them on their own without investing serious resources. For example, m y most memorable case that I worked on that involved a stone monument company which collected money but never delivered the tombstone for the deceased in a large number of cases. These people not only lost their money but also their will to fight given the unbearable grief of leaving their love ones in an unmarked grave. The case has yet to be resolved, but I was proud of the work that I had done with these people. They would probably have no recourse to challenge these businesses if not for this office.
Events from my past and my experiences through college affirm my belief in law and its importance to shape my life. What has resulted is a drive to help other. One day I know I will be well a quipped with tools to help those unsuspecting people on the train and any others that I may encounter.

User avatar
gin
Posts: 389
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:35 pm

Re: Critique My Personal Statement PLZ.

Postby gin » Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:54 am

to develop a passion to want to know the law to people for those who cannot find


I'm not sure if "to people" is a typo or you just forgot to erase it but it sounds weird. its in the second paragraph.

it was fully thought out plan


did you mean "was not"

Middle of 3rd paragraph you misses a period between "upset" and "however"

I know that it would have been less troubling time if I had a legal aid e to guide me through the process.


try "...less troubling if I..." and get rid of the "e" after aid (4th paragraph)

People that I spoke with, lacked basic knowledge about the law ,or they had


get rid of the first comma. instead of ", or they had..." try "or had"

other than that, i liked it. sorry if my recommendation are really intrusive but I'm a bit of a control

jasonc.
Posts: 119
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:22 am

Re: Critique My Personal Statement PLZ.

Postby jasonc. » Mon Oct 18, 2010 1:58 am

OKAY THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME ..DEF HAD SOME GRIMMER/SPELLING ISSUES NEED TO GO OVER.




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