Second draft. I desperately need some useful feedback! Tks!

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sergissimo
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2009 2:56 pm

Second draft. I desperately need some useful feedback! Tks!

Postby sergissimo » Sun Oct 17, 2010 9:04 pm

My father walks inside the house with an all too familiar face, and says, "This time it's gonna work!". A phrase I had heard countless times before. Up until I was 14 or 15 years old, this phrase gave me hope that things would be better. However, this time at 18 years of age, these words did not have the same effect on me. The repetitiveness of my father's different businesses and ventures starting up and soon failing was taking a toll on all of us. Something had to be done about it. Coming to America seemed to be the only thing that made sense to me at that time, and fortunately the rest of my family felt the same way.
Once in the United States, life did not get any easier. I had to learn a new language and adapt to a culture different from my own. We pressed on as we were determined to "make it work" this time. I had started Law School in Brazil, but soon had to drop out since there was no financial aid available and we could not afford it otherwise. As I was about to enroll in a undergraduate school in the US,  I had to make a choice that I knew would give me a decent chance to cover the costs. Law School was becoming a more difficult option since it was not a straight 5 year program like in Brazil; I would have to get a bachelors degree and then face an even bigger financial giant in graduate school. As I had just arrived in this country, still learning the language, and seeing the struggle my parents were going though to make sure I received a college education, I felt it would be a selfish decision to prolong my schooling to 7 years. I decided to go for another degree that would give me a chance to start working after graduation, and then do graduate school as I became more financially independent. 
Psychology and Theology were majors that were attractive to me since I wanted to serve the community. I grew up doing community service as a volunteer through my church, and it had always been a goal of mine to do that for a living one day. Although I initially intended to serve the public as an Attorney, being a counselor or a therapist would also allow me to accomplish that goal. 
I finally graduated. My father could finally say that this time it did work! As soon as I graduated I had the opportunity to work as a teacher at a non-profit private religious secondary school, where I had the chance to not only teach, but also counsel the students and parents. Meanwhile I worked on my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, which gave deeper knowledge of family therapy. Since then, I have been working as a family therapist in non-profit agencies serving families that are court appointed, and families of youth involved with the Department of Children and Families. This kind of work has given me great exposure to the legal system, as I am constantly working with attorneys, probations officers, and Court Support Services Division personnel. Throughout these years I have had the privilege to concurrently work as a volunteer for my community, offering family therapy and individual counseling for those in need; restructuring broken families, taking them from chaos to healthy and functional interactions. As an Attorney, my goal is to continue doing public service, and utilize this knowledge of family systems, as well as my experience in serving the community, to enrich my perspective as I represent my clients.     
Today I am a father and a husband, and so this moment becomes even more defining. This is the moment in which I am finally able to realize this goal of serving the public as an Attorney. I know the mental health field can give me professional satisfaction, however I do not feel I will have reached my full potential if I do not strive to achieve my lifelong goal: serving the public and making a difference in the community as an Attorney.

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nataliejane38
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:19 pm

Re: Second draft. I desperately need some useful feedback! Tks!

Postby nataliejane38 » Sun Oct 17, 2010 9:14 pm

You have a really good story in here but it is not being effectively communicated. I don't really see what your dads failed business ventures has to do with coming to the US? Also, its not clear if you made the decision to move, if it was your dads decision or what? I was already confused with the first parapgraph.
You are trying to get across the message that you have had this goal of becoming an attorney (I would not capitalize it) for a long time, look at all these things you had to do to get to here...but then you talk about getting your undergraduate and Masters in something else entirely and its not really clear why, since it sounds like you have always wanted to go to law school. You are probably trying to explain your academic choices, but again its confusing to the reader.

sergissimo
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2009 2:56 pm

Re: Second draft. I desperately need some useful feedback! Tks!

Postby sergissimo » Sun Oct 17, 2010 9:50 pm

This is great! Thanks so much!

Anybody else want to take a shot? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

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sayruss11
Posts: 87
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 5:47 pm

Re: Second draft. I desperately need some useful feedback! Tks!

Postby sayruss11 » Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:04 pm

The idea of "serving the community" is pretty vague and you mention it a few times. What exactly do you mean? The job you have now seems to fulfill this purpose, why exactly are you striving to become an attorney? (more than just it being a lifelong dream).... just some questions to think about




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