Another Personal Statement - Please Give me your feedback

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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egeffin
Posts: 79
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:36 pm

Another Personal Statement - Please Give me your feedback

Postby egeffin » Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:35 pm

Any help would be great. anything i should add / take out?
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Last edited by egeffin on Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Another Personal Statement - Please Give me your feedback

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:48 pm

Not good. Too many inappropriate word choices surrounded by a poorly thought out topic. The introductory & conclusory paragraphs are terrible, yet, they may be your best two paragraphs.

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kwais
Posts: 1683
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Another Personal Statement - Please Give me your feedback

Postby kwais » Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:03 pm

I agree. It is extremely impersonal.




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