ps draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ck3ku
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:22 pm

ps draft

Postby ck3ku » Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:32 pm

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Last edited by ck3ku on Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: ps draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:42 pm

Still a very strong essay except for the Holocaust references. Sorry, I just don't get it, and, if I do, it is way too dramatic for your situation. In this situation, subtlety would be more effective as it connotes maturity. On the other hand, if the Holocaust reference is important to you & your outlook on life, then you need to communicate that perspective's application to your life in a much more effective manner.

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nataliejane38
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Re: ps draft

Postby nataliejane38 » Sun Oct 17, 2010 9:49 pm

I agree about the Holocaust stuff. It could be tied in but it will have to flow better.

It was through rereading my old diaries written during my elementary school years that I revisited the past, which is now locked away safely in my repressed memory. There were days when I would cry silently in my room after another one of her tantrums and nights when I would dream of the day when I would meet the love of my life, who would rescue me from the nightmare that was my mother. He would take me far away and we would live happily ever after as if nothing bad had ever happened.


I think you should take that whole part out. If you want to convey the effect your mothers abuse had on you, tell us. You do not have to reference old diaries or childhood fantasies.


Over the years, I reconciled with my mother who I cannot help but sympathize with because I am fully aware of all the obstacles life bestowed upon her,


You should end the sentence there. Expand on this - this is powerful, the fact that you forgave your mother for her abuse. It shows manturity and compassion for your mothers situation.


Even though I personally would not have chosen the path that my mother took to relieve herself of her woes, I am still grateful for all that she has done for me because I would not exist if it were not for her.


I don't like this - especially the last line. There is a really good and powerful story here I think it just needs some refining.

ck3ku
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:22 pm

Re: ps draft

Postby ck3ku » Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:13 am

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Last edited by ck3ku on Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

SortOfObsessed
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Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:53 pm

Re: ps draft

Postby SortOfObsessed » Wed Oct 20, 2010 6:59 pm

I like this but it sounds like a diversity statement? (I read the revised one you posted recently, not the original)

I feel like this provides more of a cultural context of where you're coming from, but doesn't quite read like a PS.

ck3ku
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Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:22 pm

Re: ps draft

Postby ck3ku » Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:18 pm

How does it read like a diversity statement?

Except for the intro, there's nothing there about cultural aspects of my life.

Other than that, are there any places where revisions need to be made?

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JerrySeinfeld
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Re: ps draft

Postby JerrySeinfeld » Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:25 pm

SortOfObsessed wrote:I like this but it sounds like a diversity statement? (I read the revised one you posted recently, not the original)

I feel like this provides more of a cultural context of where you're coming from, but doesn't quite read like a PS.


This isn't a DS. Just because it mentions race doesn't make it a DS.

It's a good PS with a great, personal story. You need some work in your writing, however.

Of course, she was not always this way; she had once been whole, before my father’s affair, economic struggles and becoming stranded in a land where she did not know a single soul.

This is an awkwardly written sentence.
I was the sole most vulnerable victim

again, awkward.

Despite everything, I am grateful for all that my mother has done for me because I would not exist or be who I am today if it were not for her.


This is perfect. Adcomms will eat this up, especially after the entire story. In fact, go at this even more. Mention how even though she did horrible acts towards you, you forgive her and understand and you always see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't over do it, but you could add two sentences regarding this specific statement.

SortOfObsessed
Posts: 87
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:53 pm

Re: ps draft

Postby SortOfObsessed » Wed Oct 20, 2010 10:38 pm

I say that it reads like a Diversity statement because it is more about obstacles overcome, the context of your family situation, and doesn't quite address how you would contribute as a law candidate. Certainly it exhibits maturity and growth, but what about that makes you a candidate they should accept for a rigorous law program?

I met with my pre-law adviser today and I had a PS that was essentially like yours. It was about overcoming the obstacles of my upbringing and mentioned my immigration from China. It was more of an "overcoming adversity" PS and her response was that this is the sort of thing that Admissions like to see in Diversity Statements because it sets you apart as a candidate and it's part of your unique perspective that would contribute to the diversity of the class. (For the record, I definitely did not think this fit in as DS just because she's mentioned race. )

Just my two cents. I am revising my PS because of the advice I received today, I figured I would tell you the same thing because yours is very similar to mine. Obviously, do whatever you like.




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