Another rough draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ballboy899
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Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:27 pm

Another rough draft

Postby ballboy899 » Sat Oct 16, 2010 7:16 pm

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Last edited by ballboy899 on Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:29 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Another really rough draft

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Oct 16, 2010 7:40 pm

I like reading PS', but "really rough draft" isn't appetizing.
Maybe read through & edit 'till it's just a "rough draft" & re-post? If you do, I promise I'll read it.

ballboy899
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Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:27 pm

Re: Another rough draft

Postby ballboy899 » Sat Oct 16, 2010 7:48 pm

alright i just revised it a bit..you mind still reading it? lol

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Another rough draft

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:36 pm

ballboy899 wrote:alright i just revised it a bit..you mind still reading it? lol

Haha nice title change. Yes most def, but I just hit productive streak. Promise before I go to bed (3.5-ish hrs).

ballboy899
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Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:27 pm

Re: Another rough draft

Postby ballboy899 » Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:37 pm

haha i took your advice on that one..and thats fine..i could really use any comments

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Another rough draft

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:43 pm

“We decided that we are going to move to North Carolina,” These are the words my mother spoke to me [my mother] towards the end of my senior year in high school. Things were finally starting to get better for me in terms of making more friends and being able to socialize more around others. When I found out that our house sold and I would have to live in a hotel for the rest of the school year, it was really devastating to me ((maybe change this to "I was devastated"?)) ((colon?)) It finally hit me that I was going to be leaving all of the people who I spent the majority of my life growing up with. [I would be leaving all those I grew up with.] This was a tough time emotionally for me and I had to find some [a] way to help myself cope with what I was going through.

That summer ((comma?)) when [we] I finally got to North Carolina, I needed to find a way to get my mind off of what was going on in my life [settle my mind/ calm my mind/ ease my mind etc.].

You have a tendency to use a great deal of description about what you're going through in fluffy ways. I suggest going through the rest of your PS and making changes similar to those I've suggested thus far, & re-posting.


Edit: I'll read it again after you've re-posted.

Sandro
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Re: Another rough draft

Postby Sandro » Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:46 pm

To me it reads like this

Some personal occurence that really isnt mentioned anywhere else, I liked to help people, and I always liked law (why? When?) so I want to do both. It wasnt bad structurally but I feel you could add more about why you like law, or how specifically you could help people with the law.

ballboy899
Posts: 80
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:27 pm

Re: Another rough draft

Postby ballboy899 » Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:26 pm

alright so it was just updated..if you can give any feedback at all i'd really appreciate it

CanadianWolf
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Re: Another rough draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:17 pm

CHANGE: "That prior summer..." to "The prior summer...".

You write well & with clarity. The final paragraph is a bit weak because it is unconvincing.

ballboy899
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Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:27 pm

Re: Another rough draft

Postby ballboy899 » Thu Oct 21, 2010 3:30 pm

yea i'm still working on that last paragraph and can't seem to get it quite right yet..thanks for the input though

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URMdan
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Re: Another rough draft

Postby URMdan » Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:38 pm

Is anyone willing to critique my PS? It's not a traditional PS, so I'm not sure how much improvement it needs.




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