Second try at my PS. Critique away!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:53 pm

Second try at my PS. Critique away!!

Postby mrr111 » Sat Oct 16, 2010 5:10 pm

Last edited by mrr111 on Sun Oct 17, 2010 7:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.


Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Jul 25, 2009 8:57 am

Re: Second try at my PS. Critique away!!

Postby escapefrom » Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:12 pm

"After spending many grueling hours reseaching fathers being awarded primary custody, I found myself intrigued rather than bored."

You weren't bored before. You didn't understand what was happening. When you say bored, I picture you as callous, which I assume isn't the truth.

"With my background and desire to practice family law, coupled with an education from ______, "

The bit about your education is a throwaway. Get rid of that clause.

You definitely need to run this through spellcheck. Otherwise, I like it.


Posts: 10722
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second try at my PS. Critique away!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Oct 17, 2010 10:58 am

This is a sincere & convincing personal statement that clearly illustrates your interest in pursuing a legal career. The tone is appropriately professional.
The word "countless" may be the most misused word in the English language-- consider using "myriad" or "numerous" instead.

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