REALLY rough first draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ballboy899
Posts: 80
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:27 pm

REALLY rough first draft

Postby ballboy899 » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:31 pm

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Last edited by ballboy899 on Sat Oct 16, 2010 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ballboy899
Posts: 80
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:27 pm

Re: REALLY rough first draft

Postby ballboy899 » Sat Oct 16, 2010 4:40 pm

i could really use some help from anyone

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sgtgrumbles
Posts: 653
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 3:46 pm

Re: REALLY rough first draft

Postby sgtgrumbles » Sat Oct 16, 2010 4:49 pm

This is waaaaaay too general. You never explain what you mean by "help people." It sounds immature and unfocused. Also, please remove "really" in the last sentence; too informal. This seems to be the flow you describe: "feel bad -> go visit family who have it worse -> realize "helping people" is good -> feel bad -> go visit family who have it worse -> realize "helping people" is good -> realize going to law school is good for "helping people." Sorry to be harsh, but this does not deliver the level of introspection that a personal statement should, nor does it demonstrate a mastery of language or rhetoric.

ballboy899
Posts: 80
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:27 pm

Re: REALLY rough first draft

Postby ballboy899 » Sat Oct 16, 2010 4:55 pm

its alright not harsh at all..yea i pretty much threw that together quickly and just wanted to see where i was in terms of just making sure i was on the right path..i wasnt planning on that being my final copy by any means but i guess i still have plenty of work to do on it lol




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