2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
andedom
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2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby andedom » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:25 pm

Thanks for the feedback again guys, I think I have everything I need!
Last edited by andedom on Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

bdubs
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby bdubs » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:34 pm

How is your medical condition even remotely connected to your work? This seems very disjointed.

If you want to write a PS relating to your work experiences, try to incorporate elements of your work that demonstrate skills that would be useful for an attorney/law student.

Read the TLS guide to PS chapter here:
http://www.top-law-schools.com/chapter2.html

Danteshek
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby Danteshek » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:37 pm

Dude that's a great personal statement. One of the best I've read.

No dash in "ineffective" or "revitalized"

I disagree with the above poster - keep the stuff about your illness.

andedom
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby andedom » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:48 pm

Danteshek wrote:Dude that's a great personal statement. One of the best I've read.

No dash in "ineffective" or "revitalized"

I disagree with the above poster - keep the stuff about your illness.


Thanks bro, I appreciate the advice. Your advice on the first draft is a major part of what led to me making changes.

bdubs
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby bdubs » Fri Oct 15, 2010 10:58 pm

I wasn't trying to be a dick or anything, it just seems like you are trying to roll a GPA addendum, LSAT addendum and PS all into one. You jump from WE and your reason for pursuing a JD into a statement about your medical condition. Write that up in a short GPA addendum. I would add a paragraph or two about how your experiences have prepared you for law school.

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lalalawya
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:02 pm

I agree with your comment in regards to including the portion about the LSAT. It does not seem to fit in with the rest of your PS since it has only one sentence dedicated to it and it is thrown in at the end. I think the stuff about your grades reads fine, though.

bdubs wrote:I wasn't trying to be a dick or anything, it just seems like you are trying to roll a GPA addendum, LSAT addendum and PS all into one. You jump from WE and your reason for pursuing a JD into a statement about your medical condition. Write that up in a short GPA addendum. I would add a paragraph or two about how your experiences have prepared you for law school.

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MrKappus
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby MrKappus » Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:04 pm

Starts really strong. I like the fact that you removed the Wall Street apologist stuff and focused on your job, tasks, and experience. However, your PS is bifurcated: is it about Wall Street and how much it's prepared you for the academic rigor of law school, or is it about the adversity you faced overcoming a (I have to say it) disease very few people, adcoms included, want to think too much about? Get rid of the IBS stuff, and this PS is very well on it's way...good luck.

andedom
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby andedom » Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:06 pm

lalalawya wrote:I agree with your comment in regards to including the portion about the LSAT. It does not seem to fit in with the rest of your PS since it has only one sentence dedicated to it and it is thrown in at the end. I think the stuff about your grades reads fine, though.

bdubs wrote:I wasn't trying to be a dick or anything, it just seems like you are trying to roll a GPA addendum, LSAT addendum and PS all into one. You jump from WE and your reason for pursuing a JD into a statement about your medical condition. Write that up in a short GPA addendum. I would add a paragraph or two about how your experiences have prepared you for law school.


Good point. I'll think about editing out the portion about the LSAT. I need to trim it down a bit anyway.

andedom
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby andedom » Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:10 pm

MrKappus wrote:Starts really strong. I like the fact that you removed the Wall Street apologist stuff and focused on your job, tasks, and experience. However, your PS is bifurcated: is it about Wall Street and how much it's prepared you for the academic rigor of law school, or is it about the adversity you faced overcoming a (I have to say it) disease very few people, adcoms included, want to think too much about? Get rid of the IBS stuff, and this PS is very well on it's way...good luck.


haha, I'll consider that. Also, I need to change the wording from "disease" to "condition" or "syndrome". I know it's a crappy thing to talk about, literally, but I saw other PSs where people talk about dealing with all types of stuff, from HIV to abusive parents. I know what I have isn't really comparable, but I figured it was worth bringing up anyway.

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iShotFirst
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby iShotFirst » Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:10 pm

Maybe be less specific about the disease? The phrase Irritable Bowel Syndrome, not the main thing you want adcomms remembering from your PS.

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lalalawya
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:16 pm

maybe you can just call it a digestion disorder or something

andedom
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby andedom » Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:14 am

lalalawya wrote:maybe you can just call it a digestion disorder or something


ehh. I might stick with IBS and go into less detail.

Sandro
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby Sandro » Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:40 am

Is mentioning how you were drunk necessary ? It doesnt seem to add anything to the PS. And I agree with the others, the medical condition doesnt seem like it makes a strong case for you attending law school - what if you never had IBS? Would you be applying to law school still?

Also, you say IBS is exacerbated by stress - if I were an adcomm I would ask myself what will happen when the inevitable stress of law school comes around? Will it cause another breakdown?

Danteshek
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby Danteshek » Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:22 am

I agree with the drunk comment. You should remove that.

andedom
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby andedom » Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:40 am

Sandro777 wrote:Is mentioning how you were drunk necessary ? It doesnt seem to add anything to the PS. And I agree with the others, the medical condition doesnt seem like it makes a strong case for you attending law school - what if you never had IBS? Would you be applying to law school still?

Also, you say IBS is exacerbated by stress - if I were an adcomm I would ask myself what will happen when the inevitable stress of law school comes around? Will it cause another breakdown?


Not really. I have managed to get it pretty well under control. I guess that could be a concern, but I really doubt that a school is not going to let me in for fear of a breakdown. Part of the point of the PS was to show I over-came it. Everyone has some struggle in their life and many deal with illness.

I'll edit out the drinking part though, thanks for the advice!

pennywise
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby pennywise » Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:48 am

I read your personal statement and I have to say it left me with a one sided impression. You did very well in showing your experiences, and what influenced you. But what exactly did you accomplish? How did you show your abilities and skills in addition to securing a decent job on wall street.

It was great sharing those experiences with the audience, but in the end, we still don't have any solid examples of your abilities and personality to contribute in law school; maybe the fact that you were able to handle IBS over a course of a few years and your eventual decision to come back to law school afterwards.

=S, show the following:

1) Solid examples of your accomplishments + string it with how it fits with legal education
2) Give a stronger reason for what makes you tick for legal education, I don't see enough justification to quit that job on wall street. (the bad financial year could work against you, since it is a matter of perseverance to overcome bad economic situations). The older co-worker may have an opinion that you share, but he probably does have a plan different from yours.

3) Take away the beer, and unnecessary details about the subway and jargon about the job.

andedom
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby andedom » Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:25 pm

pennywise wrote:I read your personal statement and I have to say it left me with a one sided impression. You did very well in showing your experiences, and what influenced you. But what exactly did you accomplish? How did you show your abilities and skills in addition to securing a decent job on wall street.

It was great sharing those experiences with the audience, but in the end, we still don't have any solid examples of your abilities and personality to contribute in law school; maybe the fact that you were able to handle IBS over a course of a few years and your eventual decision to come back to law school afterwards.

=S, show the following:

1) Solid examples of your accomplishments + string it with how it fits with legal education
2) Give a stronger reason for what makes you tick for legal education, I don't see enough justification to quit that job on wall street. (the bad financial year could work against you, since it is a matter of perseverance to overcome bad economic situations). The older co-worker may have an opinion that you share, but he probably does have a plan different from yours.

3) Take away the beer, and unnecessary details about the subway and jargon about the job.


Thanks, man!

Sandro
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Re: 2nd Draft of Wall Street Exp PS. Totally different!

Postby Sandro » Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:49 pm

andedom wrote:
Sandro777 wrote:Is mentioning how you were drunk necessary ? It doesnt seem to add anything to the PS. And I agree with the others, the medical condition doesnt seem like it makes a strong case for you attending law school - what if you never had IBS? Would you be applying to law school still?

Also, you say IBS is exacerbated by stress - if I were an adcomm I would ask myself what will happen when the inevitable stress of law school comes around? Will it cause another breakdown?


Not really. I have managed to get it pretty well under control. I guess that could be a concern, but I really doubt that a school is not going to let me in for fear of a breakdown. Part of the point of the PS was to show I over-came it. Everyone has some struggle in their life and many deal with illness.

I'll edit out the drinking part though, thanks for the advice!


Ok well you could probably add half a sentence that cures any doubt it coming back rather than showing you stopped the stress and it went away. Probably very minor but I always try and think too much about what adcoms think.




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