Two introductions

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JerrySeinfeld
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Two introductions

Postby JerrySeinfeld » Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:30 pm

So I wrote two different introductions and i'd appreciate everyone's opinions on which you believe is better and what you think of my direction. My topic is that I'm an RA and i've dealt with situations I never expected, like someone having a gun in my building, people committing and attempting suicide, alcohol poisoning, the whole 9 yards, and how it's affected me and I've affected them.

Constructive criticism is appreciated.

1)There it was, a bent in half manila envelope sitting in my cramped dormitory mailbox. As I anxiously stared at it, I felt my legs trembling and my hands quivering. After I reluctantly tore the seal, I slowly lifted the paper inside to expose those large, black, and bolded letters. While I read the sentence to myself, peering over each word with hesitation, I was overcome with euphoria and alleviation. “The office of Residence Life and Housing would like to offer you employment as a Resident Assistant for the fall of 2009.” I was afforded certain luxurious from my resident assistants that I found to be remarkable, and I sincerely wanted to follow in their footsteps; helping students during arguably the most important four years of one’s life is an important and rewarding endeavor. I never could have anticipated how ambiguous and broad the term “helping” truly is.


2)On a lonely and quaint Saturday afternoon, the piercing and distinctive ring of my telephone has engraved itself in my memory. In the exact manner that the sound of an alarm waking one up early every morning carries a distinct and exasperating recollection, the ring of that phone holds a troubling memory. “Andrew, someone has a gun in the building, what do I do?” Those twelve words whispered by one of my fellow resident assistants will live with me for the rest of my life. I turned nineteen years old two days earlier and suddenly I found myself in between a literal life or death situation. When I was hired to become a resident assistant, I wanted to follow in the footsteps of my resident assistants who so graciously afforded me certain luxuries and helped guide me during my daunting freshman year. I never could have anticipated how ambiguous and broad the term “helping” truly is.

qualk
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Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:52 pm

Re: Two introductions

Postby qualk » Fri Oct 15, 2010 5:35 pm

I like #2 better as a hook. I think the wording of both could use a little work, for instance the alarm clock-phone analogy - it seems a little overdone. In terms of the topic though, I think the second better draws the reader in, and it sounds like your experiences will make a very interesting read.

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JerrySeinfeld
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Re: Two introductions

Postby JerrySeinfeld » Fri Oct 15, 2010 5:58 pm

Anyone else?

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lalalawya
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Re: Two introductions

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 15, 2010 6:09 pm

I also think the second would be most promising. Just work more on the wording.

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akili
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Re: Two introductions

Postby akili » Fri Oct 15, 2010 6:14 pm

I like the second one better. Just another thing, I would maybe avoid the bit about luxuries. It kind of cheapens your life and death sentence. I would stick to wanting to follow in their footsteps/them helping you during a rough freshman year.

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JerrySeinfeld
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Re: Two introductions

Postby JerrySeinfeld » Fri Oct 15, 2010 7:28 pm

lalalawya wrote:I also think the second would be most promising. Just work more on the wording.


Is there a specific part of the wording that you are refering to?

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lalalawya
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Re: Two introductions

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 15, 2010 7:40 pm

JerrySeinfeld wrote:In the exact manner that the sound of an alarm waking one up early every morning carries a distinct and exasperating recollection, the ring of that phone holds a troubling memory.


That part. While the situation was def. dramatic, you sound melodramatic in this sentence. You can probably do without the alarm analogy; I think the sentence would be more impactful by simply saying "The ring of the phone holds a troubling memory," or some version of that.




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