Rough draft of my PS v. Please critique

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ryanshep
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Rough draft of my PS v. Please critique

Postby ryanshep » Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:55 pm

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Last edited by ryanshep on Tue Dec 28, 2010 1:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

biladtreasure2
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Re: Rough draft of my PS v. Please critique

Postby biladtreasure2 » Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:46 pm

ryanshep wrote:“I want to be a helicopter pilot and a lawyer,” I told my third grade classroom. I got a lot of funny looks. "You can’t be both,” they would say. It had been a dream of mine ever since I had my first helicopter ride in a Bell 47. I can’t pinpoint the exact origin of my desire to practice law - probably somewhere between hearing about serial killers on the news and court room TV - but something about law just fascinated me. At the ripe age of 15 I began to bag groceries to save up for my pilot’s license. As I got older, my bank account grew. Eventually, my bank account became large enough that I couldn’t contain myself - I had to fly.

The coordination required to keep a helicopter in flight is by far the most unnatural combination of movements that I had ever experienced. The slightest movements in any of the controls would have a profound impact on every aspect of the helicopter. A millimeter of the cyclic to the left, and the helicopter would begin to enter a roll and lose altitude. Pulling on the collective would increase the altitude and, because of the increased torque on the engine, the helicopter would also begin to yaw. Stepping on a rotor pedal, depending on the type of pedal, would of course make the helicopter spin and either make the helicopter rise or fall because of the translation of the power to or from the engine. To maintain a hover, I would have to coordinate these controls, delicately manipulating them in unison so the helicopter would stay in one place. To say this coordination didn’t come naturally to me would be an understatement. For many of the first few lessons when the instructor would say, “you have the controls,” and the helicopter would go from a steady hover to an egg beater in the sky. The goal I had set for myself seemed to be dwindling, along with the funds in my bank account.
I was behind in the lesson plans and my instructor was getting just as discouraged as I was about my inability to maintain control of the helicopter. “Maybe this just isn’t for you,” he once told me. Nothing seemed to work. During every lesson, I would try to do just one thing right, whether it was to maintain altitude or stop spinning around in circles. My proficiency soon sky-rocketed, and with practice I was able to hold a hover even in a gusting wind. I was overwhelmed with a sense of pride and accomplishment. It might have taken me longer than anyone my instructor had seen, but I had done it.
Finally being able to hover and progress to much more complex maneuvers instilled in me a desire to conquer more challenges. The next summer, although I had not yet been deemed air worthy by the FAA due to a lack of funding, I had summitted Mt. Rainier. The actual flying became second nature and the excitement of getting airborne had become routine. However, I found myself enjoying the problem-solving required to successfully complete a flight. How much fuel would we need? At which heading would we fly? Can you land in your backyard? Each problem required a systematic approach involving legal, physical and aerospace limitations of the aircraft, meteorological conditions, and much more. Each of these interweaving into the final result of a go, no-go decision, the pressure was high, as the wrong decision could be fatal. Nevertheless, in this aspect I thrived: To me, there was nothing more fulfilling than successfully executing a flight as planned. Even after I had attained my rating as a pilot and had begun taking my friends on rides, I couldn’t figure out why I was more excited to sit down with and go over the “book work” instead of lifting off. Upon reflection, my passion for flying and my career aspirations in the legal field are quite similar with respect to their approach at problem-solving. To me, law school offers a chance to climb another mountain and to once again learn to hover, all while utilizing the problem-solving skills that I enjoy. I have no doubt that these traits will ensure my success both at [LAW SCHOOL NAME HERE] and as a pilot.

Do your worst, I feel like the beginning is alittle clunky, the ending kind of drops off and not sure if main idea really gets through? Thanks





I spruced up the wording a bit. The whole narrative, though, doesn't have much direction, and the supposed link between the problem-solving skills required of a lawyer and those of a pilot is never really clear. You might want to rethink the idea, and do an outline to ensure a more cohesive and focused structure.

Peg
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Re: Rough draft of my PS v. Please critique

Postby Peg » Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:17 pm

The reason you haven't gotten any feedback compared to the others is that you haven't bothered to put in paragraph breaks. Nobody can try to decipher that big block of text without getting a headache. If you would be so kind as to to put spaces between the paragraphs, I wouldn't mind giving a detailed critique.

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Gemini
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Re: Rough draft of my PS v. Please critique

Postby Gemini » Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:34 pm

The beginning is a bit corny...

The biggest problem I think you have is that this essay doesn't concentrate on law or your desire to become a lawyer enough. You need a stronger connection. I've never heard of a lawyer pilot. But if there really are lawyers representing the FAA (which I'm sure there are), perhaps you can talk about wanting to be one of them, therefore combining your passion for flight and law.

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ryanshep
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Re: Rough draft of my PS v. Please critique

Postby ryanshep » Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:50 pm

Upon re reading, and taking the comments into consideration, my essay just sounds trite and cleche, back to the drawing board! Thanks for the input.




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