Hopefully Close to Ready?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Jen Loblaw
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Hopefully Close to Ready?

Postby Jen Loblaw » Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:43 pm

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Last edited by Jen Loblaw on Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:52 am, edited 7 times in total.

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lalalawya
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby lalalawya » Thu Oct 14, 2010 12:23 am

I feel like that last paragraph comes out of nowhere. You don't mention your senior design project anywhere else in your PS, yet you use it to conclude your essay. Despite this, I feel that it was fairly good.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:58 am

Jen Loblaw wrote:the most exotic Chinese food she could get her hands on in Minnesota.


Which would be what, Panda Express? :wink:

You sound very sincere, but I have a hard time taking the cultural education parts seriously. Moving from Uber-White North Dakota to Slightly-Less-White Minnesota is not exactly doing a stint in the Peace Corps vaccinating African orphans in terms of multicultural exposure, no matter how much of a change it was for you personally.

But even if you HAD done the Peace Corp thing (and I'm certainly not criticizing you for not having done it--god knows I didn't either), the math/engineering stuff is much more effective to me as a PS subject. I think you'd be better off focusing on that aspect of the essay and not try to combine two (more or less unrelated) topics. It also provides a clear segue into why you want to go to law school, with your supervisor introducing you to patent law.

Here's my summary of what you've got:
- I love math. It speaks to me.
- I love the math and calculat-y part of studying engineering
- But actual engineering jobs, not so much
- Also, other cultures are neat!
- Then I discovered patent law, which makes my geeky heart pitter-patter.

The multicultural part is just unnecessary. Without it, I think you have a decent start.

P.S. I too am an engineering major (environmental) who never found a satisfying career in the field I spent all that time studying, so I know where you're coming from! 8 years later, I finally decided to do something about it, and here I am.

Jen Loblaw
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby Jen Loblaw » Thu Oct 14, 2010 8:38 am

Thanks so much for the input. I was thinking of maybe putting something in there about the challenges I've faced being a woman in engineering, but if you already (correctly) pegged me as a super geek, would it be better to try to show I'm more well rounded as a student than just obsessed with engineering?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 14, 2010 8:49 am

I think that it is pretty clear to the reader that patent law is in your future.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Oct 14, 2010 4:01 pm

Jen Loblaw wrote:Thanks so much for the input. I was thinking of maybe putting something in there about the challenges I've faced being a woman in engineering, but if you already (correctly) pegged me as a super geek, would it be better to try to show I'm more well rounded as a student than just obsessed with engineering?


It might be possible to use the woman-in-engineering angle as part of the why-engineering-jobs-are-not-for-me section, if you can work it in without sounding like a frail little girl who can't run with the big boys, because obviously, the big boys work in law, too, and you don't want the adcomms to get the wrong idea. Totally guessing, but I would imagine patent law has a significant male majority, although probably not as much as chemE.

Tone is everything...I had to completely change a section of my PS from 'why my job sucks' to 'why law would be awesome!', while basically saying the exact same thing.

Showing that you're well-rounded could be good, but only if you can work it into your overall theme and not just plop in "also, I like to cook! And act in amateur plays!" Being geeky and focused doesn't have to be a bad thing, as long as the adcomms are convinced that your geeky focus will be dedicated to your law studies. :wink:

Jen Loblaw
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby Jen Loblaw » Sat Oct 16, 2010 6:46 pm

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Last edited by Jen Loblaw on Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Oct 16, 2010 7:07 pm

“Although there are many concentration areas for specialization in chemical engineering, the traitors go to law school.” During my tour of the University of State as a senior in high school, this was my first introduction to the idea of attending law school. After such an unappealing description, the possibility of law did not make it anywhere near my consideration.

I went into engineering because I love using math to solve real world ((I think you may intend the hyphenated version of these two words)) problems. To me, math is the universal yet foreign language used specifically for solving problems. After a person [one] has learned the rules and laws for using [of] this language, She can translate [quantifyable] problems from any language—English, Spanish, Swedish, even Swahili—into Math and solve unlimited situations [them]. Once a problem is expressed in Math[ematical] terms, any number of the ["these" or just cut it & don't replace it] laws learned since addition in first grade might be needed to arrive at a solution. It is this combination of sometimes obscure laws put together very creatively that really appeals to me. There is no way for me to describe the amazing feeling, not when I arrive at an answer as one may suspect, but [I get] when I discover the intricate way of arranging the laws so it is possible to arrive at the [an] answer. Then, of course, these results must be translated back into the original language where the fun that I have just had can be turned into tangible solutions for real world ((again, I think you may want a hyphen)) problems.

In the summer before and first semester of my junior year of college, I was enrolled in a cooperative education position at XXX. As much as I both loved and excelled at math and the other courses required for chemical engineering, I was beginning [began] to realize I had no passion for any of the career paths I had found with my major. Even the unique research and design position in which I was working, a job I took as a last resort before reevaluating my major, did nothing to excite me. The thought of wasting two years of school in an intensely tough ((maybe choose either "an intense" or "a tough"?)) program by switching my major terrified me, but not as much as the thought of being less than enthusiastic about my job for the rest of my life. Around that time I received an email from one of my supervisors, Nick, for a new meeting request. I thought: just what I need, another example of work I do not want to do for the rest of my life. The title of the meeting was “Patent Seminar” and seemed completely unrelated to any of my current projects. I accepted the request, and unsurely went to the first meeting.

Sitting next to Nick, I asked him what the purpose of the meeting was. He explained that every week, one of the engineer geniuses, who had about twenty other degrees as well, presented a couple of patents that employees of the company had obtained through research. After that first meeting, I was hooked. Although I still could not see myself making a career of the research and design work of my superiors, I was fascinated by these seminars. The simple yet intricate nature of the patents led me to ask Nick for additional literature. As I lost myself in reading these patents, I felt as though I had finally found an aspect of chemical engineering that excited me almost as much as math did. I returned to school that spring with a renewed interest in and excitement for chemical engineering.

The booming voice of jfljhgkjhg berating students is a well-known phenomenon in the chemical engineering department at UND. He regularly makes mincemeat out of students who are less prepared or less thorough in their analyses than they should be. My group was next in line to present our senior design capstone project to this professor [him / Dr. ljhgljhg] who was [also] notorious for his condescending scrutiny of students’ projects. However, I knew we were ready. Under my leadership we had spent dozens of hours poring over the patent that formed the basis of our fictional chemical plant and countless additional hours designing, calculating, and recalculating every single aspect ((maybe add a comma?)) from the largest 50’((add space))distillation column to the smallest 1-horsepower pump to the control schematics that regulate the process. After all that time together, my group operated like a well-oiled machine. The project was the culmination of my undergraduate career: we had used knowledge from every single learning module from every single technical class we had taken since entering college. The group before us left the meeting room very soberly. I would later find out that my group had one of the top designs in a year where the whole class’s designs were far above average. As I lead my group into the meeting room, I thought about the words of my college tour guide four years earlier, “Traitors go to law school.” I reflected on all the patents that had made XXX a success and about our patent that made the 200 page report I held in my hands a reality. Instead of feeling like a traitor, I felt as though I had found my future.


I dig it.
The vast majority of these suggestions are optional.
Last edited by CGI Fridays on Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Jen Loblaw
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Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby Jen Loblaw » Sat Oct 16, 2010 7:57 pm

CGI Fridays wrote:I dig it.
The vast majority of these suggestions are optional.


Hey thanks! I agree that the 2nd paragraph could use a little tweaking... is there any way you could edit out the professor's name in your post? I meant to edit that out but forgot... thanks!

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CGI Fridays
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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby CGI Fridays » Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:12 pm

Jen Loblaw wrote:is there any way you could edit out the professor's name in your post?

There is indeed. Done.

Yer most welcome.

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby Jen Loblaw » Sun Oct 17, 2010 6:45 pm

Any other comments out there?

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby Jen Loblaw » Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:18 am

bump

Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 10:45 pm

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft Critique

Postby Jen Loblaw » Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:09 am

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Jen Loblaw
Posts: 83
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Re: Hopefully Close to Ready?

Postby Jen Loblaw » Tue Oct 26, 2010 10:44 pm

please?




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