New PS Rough Draft: Critiques Sought & Brutality Expected

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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TJISMYHERO
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New PS Rough Draft: Critiques Sought & Brutality Expected

Postby TJISMYHERO » Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:34 pm

Thanks for all the advice. It paid off.
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Last edited by TJISMYHERO on Mon Dec 20, 2010 1:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: New PS Rough Draft: Critiques Sought & Brutality Accepted

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:51 pm

DELETE: "...and even tried out and...".

DELETE: The last three paragraphs.

Try my suggestions without replacement material.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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TJISMYHERO
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Re: New PS Rough Draft: Critiques Sought & Brutality Expected

Postby TJISMYHERO » Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:54 pm

Yeah, I was debating whether it was a stretch to try and squeeze that in. Thanks for the input!

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bk1
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Re: New PS Rough Draft: Critiques Sought & Brutality Expected

Postby bk1 » Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:15 pm

1. "It’s strange, the way a car accident has a way of putting life circumstances into perspective." - I don't see how a car accident putting things into perspective is strange at all. In fact I would hazard to say it is pretty normal.

2. "Law school has always been a dream of mine, ever since my mom and I would watch Perry Mason re-runs during lunch when I was homeschooled as a young boy." - Ridiculously cliche.

3. The grades thing and the sentence beginning with the "student committee" is resume regurgitation - Just don't do it.

I don't think it is bad more than it is soundly mediocre. All I hear is "I got into an accident, had to choose between working and studying, *vomits resume on the page,* I am a hard worker and want to go to law school." You do a lot of telling and not enough showing (probably my biggest gripe with almost every PS I've read). You need to convince your reader of your traits, not tell them and hope they accept them as fact.

Your writing isn't bad, you just need to take "show don't tell" to heart and find a better or more refined focus.

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TJISMYHERO
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Re: New PS Rough Draft: Critiques Sought & Brutality Expected

Postby TJISMYHERO » Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:30 pm

bk1, thanks for your candid response. I see what your saying about the statement being consumed with telling and less about showing. I will consider a re-write that focuses on a specific experience that results in a character building climax.

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ArchRoark
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Re: New PS Rough Draft: Critiques Sought & Brutality Expected

Postby ArchRoark » Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:41 pm

bk1 wrote:1. "It’s strange, the way a car accident has a way of putting life circumstances into perspective." - I don't see how a car accident putting things into perspective is strange at all. In fact I would hazard to say it is pretty normal.

2. "Law school has always been a dream of mine, ever since my mom and I would watch Perry Mason re-runs during lunch when I was homeschooled as a young boy." - Ridiculously cliche.

3. The grades thing and the sentence beginning with the "student committee" is resume regurgitation - Just don't do it.

I don't think it is bad more than it is soundly mediocre. All I hear is "I got into an accident, had to choose between working and studying, *vomits resume on the page,* I am a hard worker and want to go to law school." You do a lot of telling and not enough showing (probably my biggest gripe with almost every PS I've read). You need to convince your reader of your traits, not tell them and hope they accept them as fact.

Your writing isn't bad, you just need to take "show don't tell" to heart and find a better or more refined focus.


+1

I literally noted the exact same things. I was scrolling down with the first quote on my clip board ready to hit reply and saw bk1's post. Took the words out of my mouth.

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bk1
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Re: New PS Rough Draft: Critiques Sought & Brutality Expected

Postby bk1 » Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:52 pm

Tiva wrote:I literally noted the exact same things. I was scrolling down with the first quote on my clip board ready to hit reply and saw bk1's post. Took the words out of my mouth.


Haha :D




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