First "full" Rough Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
HeavenWood
Posts: 2915
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:42 pm

First "full" Rough Draft

Postby HeavenWood » Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:57 pm

Thanks!
Last edited by HeavenWood on Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CGI Fridays
Posts: 897
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:46 pm

Re: First "full" Rough Draft

Postby CGI Fridays » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:31 pm

HeavenWood wrote:But despite their disparate interests, these groups shared one key commonality turn this comma into a colon perceiving themselves as powerless and unrepresented.

When I think of these men and women, I think of my mother, a niche constituent in the most extreme sense. I think of all terminally-ill Americans, who are denied crucial accommodations as the status quo. I know that changing these norms goes beyond staging rallies, informing the masses, and engaging elites. It will require steadfast legal counsel with a strong personal stake. Because of my mother, I can see beyond the publicity and dollar signs ((cheesy term))). I see a collective wrong which must be made right.

As a law student, I hope to supplement my priorpolitical experiences, giving equipping myself with the necessary tools to fight for change in the healthcare or public policy sectors. I can work as an attorney, practice as a lobbyist, or even someday run for public office. Law is more than profit margins and corporate interests. It is a vehicle through which we can help the downtrodden and right prior wrongs. (((This is fluff. You've already conveyed this information without sounding cheesy))) Whatever I choose to do, a degree from XXXXX Law School will enable me to work on behalf of the public. I have the passion. All I need is the education.


Yeah, change the last two sentences somehow.

Overall this is very, very convincing. I'd wanna admit you in the name of warm fuzzies.
I say stick with the theme & structure. Now just polish the wording & flow.

HeavenWood
Posts: 2915
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:42 pm

Re: First "full" Rough Draft

Postby HeavenWood » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:36 pm

.
Last edited by HeavenWood on Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First "full" Rough Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:41 pm

The first three paragraphs are done well; the final four paragraphs are in need of minor revisions.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Oct 13, 2010 5:04 pm, edited 12 times in total.

HeavenWood
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:42 pm

Re: First "full" Rough Draft

Postby HeavenWood » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:42 pm

.
Last edited by HeavenWood on Wed Oct 13, 2010 5:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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AreJay711
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Re: First "full" Rough Draft

Postby AreJay711 » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:50 pm

The only real issue I have with your PS is the jump from talking about healthcare to interning with the Governor and senator is a bit jarring. If you can, try to ease that transition. If not it isn't terrible.

I really think people that say insurance companies are evil because they don't ignore their contracts and give people every single thing that could make somebody slightly more comfortable are stupid. And people that think economic concerns aren't valid are even more stupid. With all that against you (and I don't really think admissions officials will share my intensity of emotion on that) I still think that this is a good personal statement and it would be a positive mark on your application.

HeavenWood
Posts: 2915
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:42 pm

Re: First "full" Rough Draft

Postby HeavenWood » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:52 pm

.
Last edited by HeavenWood on Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

samueljose
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Re: First "full" Rough Draft

Postby samueljose » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:54 pm

I like it. It's powerful and shows your focus and intent. I wouldn't worry about the 1 and 3/4, they might actually appreciate a shorter statement with more of a punch.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First "full" Rough Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:58 pm

Consider my suggestions detailed above. This is a very sincere & convincing personal statement. It just needs to be tightened up a bit. Your writing evidences clarity of thought & commitment to a mature goal.




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