Looking for feedback

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
qualk
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:52 pm

Looking for feedback

Postby qualk » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:17 pm

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Last edited by qualk on Mon Nov 01, 2010 7:30 am, edited 3 times in total.

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lalalawya
Posts: 321
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:34 pm

Re: Another one looking for advice

Postby lalalawya » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:24 pm

I think you have a really great start, but it seems almost like an awesome hook rather than full personal statement. Is it possible to add more? It just seems like by the time it starts...it is already over. I am, by no means, an expert in personal statement writing; so take what I say with a grain of salt.

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kwais
Posts: 1683
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Another one looking for advice

Postby kwais » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:29 pm

lalalawya wrote:I think you have a really great start, but it seems almost like an awesome hook rather than full personal statement. Is it possible to add more? It just seems like by the time it starts...it is already over. I am, by no means, an expert in personal statement writing; so take what I say with a grain of salt.


I agree. this is pleasant to read, but it feels incomplete. This would be a good part of a larger essay. If there was something concrete, like an experience or situation that prompted this reflection, I think it would fit well. good luck

qualk
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:52 pm

Re: Another one looking for advice

Postby qualk » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:38 pm

Thanks so much for responding so quickly! This is just my intro/hook. I wanted to segue into working with kids from here but just posted before I kept going to make sure that second paragraph isn't too mushy sounding and see if people thought working with children could make a good topic for a PS.

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AreJay711
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Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:51 pm

Re: Another one looking for advice

Postby AreJay711 » Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:50 am

I'd be a little worried about how you said you didn't want to grow up. Not exactly what I'd want if I was making the decision. Maybe tone down the "do what I want when I want to do it" part. Learning that there are certain thing you have to do whether you want to do them or not is an important lesson and I know I wouldn't want anyone working for me (in any capacity) with the attitude you say in your PS. The rest of what it means to not grow up is good though.

Overall, great hook -- follow it up with some great content.

Edit: Talking about working with autistic children would be a fine topic.

qualk
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:52 pm

Re: Another one looking for advice

Postby qualk » Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:20 pm

I see what you mean about the "do what I want" part. I was trying to be cute but wouldn't want it taken as representative of my work ethic. Working on the content now, thanks!

qualk
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:52 pm

Re: Looking for feedback

Postby qualk » Thu Oct 21, 2010 5:20 pm

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StillHerexxx
Posts: 325
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:58 pm

Re: Looking for feedback

Postby StillHerexxx » Thu Oct 21, 2010 5:28 pm

I noticed a grammatical thing. You used -, which is a hyphon, but I assume you want to use a dash, which is -- (in a word processor they join together). But you said its Canada so it might be different--kind of how the UK uses ' ' for quatations and Americans use " ".

JJDancer
Posts: 1564
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:41 pm

Re: Looking for feedback

Postby JJDancer » Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:12 pm

Really really great PS. It would be awesome if you could edit mine (once I actually write it lol).

qualk
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:52 pm

Re: Looking for feedback

Postby qualk » Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:23 am

StillHere, those hyphons are dashes in Word. For some reason they changed when I copied and pasted. Thanks for the heads up though!

JJDancer: I really appreciate your comment! But was there anything you noticed that could be improved? I would be happy to edit your PS when you write it, just let me know when it's ready!

JJDancer
Posts: 1564
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:41 pm

Re: Looking for feedback

Postby JJDancer » Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:23 pm

Honestly, nothing. I mean I'm sure it's one of those where if you pored over it for hours, you could tweak things but looks pretty polished to me. Definitely one of the better/best I have read.

qualk
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:52 pm

Re: Looking for feedback

Postby qualk » Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:09 pm

Does anyone else have any criticism or feedback?

qualk
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:52 pm

Re: Looking for feedback

Postby qualk » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:28 am

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