please critique my diversity statement?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
yumberry
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:48 pm

please critique my diversity statement?

Postby yumberry » Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:52 pm

mostly as to whether it works. i'm an asian female and don't really know what to write about.
i know the writing is a lot of "vocabulary" words, but that's just how i write :(


-removed-

because everyone seems to be doing this? i guess i'm a follower. this doesn't bode well for law school.
Last edited by yumberry on Thu Oct 14, 2010 5:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:01 pm

This is a wonderful & refreshing piece of writing. I love the tone & the pace. A couple of words may need refinement as I am not sure about "consequentially" & "helpmeet" (did you mean "helpmate" ?). Your personal statement screams of personality & wit !

SortOfObsessed
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Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby SortOfObsessed » Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:47 pm

I like your writing style and the focus of your diversity statement since I am also an asian american female and can empathize.

However, I think this diversity statement portrays you in a negative light. You seem abrasive and contrary, ("I challenged anything I encountered that might remotely have a sexist aspect.") and incredibly defensive. I think you should tone down some aspects so that you do appear more mature. ("Though I am now calmer in maturity and no longer leap to my feet at every hint of inequity or discrimination toward women, it is a characteristic that will never fade." Can you elaborate on how you are more mature?)

Overall I would be wary of submitting this DS as is because some adcomms will inevitably dislike you or think that you aren't going to fit well with the rest of the class.

yumberry
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Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:48 pm

Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby yumberry » Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:13 pm

thanks for the advice, both of you! i kind of see what you mean, so i tried to change it a little to make it seem less angry/defensive. also changed the word 'consequentially.' :P helpmeet's kind of an old school biblical word, but i'll probably change that too.

i had my friend read it and he thought that it came off as very robotic and impersonal, as if i'm talking about myself from a distant perspective. do you guys see that, and if so, is that necessarily bad?

thanks again. incredibly appreciated

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:20 pm

Try to get opinions from an English prof or an admissions officer at your college or university. This is an excellent essay.

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Rand M.
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Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby Rand M. » Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:29 pm

This really is terrific. The first paragraph is nearly perfect, and by that time I had made up my mind that the essay was good. There are grammar problems, so please let some people take a red pen to it, but the substance is solidly profound. The one thing that struck me as odd was the parenthetical mention of female infanticide. I trust that anyone with a college education, which the admissions officer will have, will understand not only that, but all of the ways China is a patriarchal place. That small part seemed a bit forced/leading. It's okay to leave a bit to the imagination; especially when that bit is something the person will definitely be able to color in themselves. Seriously though, this is fantastic. Again, that first paragraph is particularly effective.

andedom
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Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby andedom » Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:35 am

SortOfObsessed wrote:I like your writing style and the focus of your diversity statement since I am also an asian american female and can empathize.

However, I think this diversity statement portrays you in a negative light. You seem abrasive and contrary, ("I challenged anything I encountered that might remotely have a sexist aspect.") and incredibly defensive. I think you should tone down some aspects so that you do appear more mature. ("Though I am now calmer in maturity and no longer leap to my feet at every hint of inequity or discrimination toward women, it is a characteristic that will never fade." Can you elaborate on how you are more mature?)

Overall I would be wary of submitting this DS as is because some adcomms will inevitably dislike you or think that you aren't going to fit well with the rest of the class.


I'd second this statement. I like the overall vibe, but IMO, you should include a paragraph or two that shows your ability to empathize and get along with people who have a differing opinion from you. Do you have a friend/ relative who is staunchly anti-feminist but whom you still are close to? Giving an example like that is essential, so you don't come across as unnecessarily argumentative.

CanadianWolf
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Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 14, 2010 10:15 am

Rand M is right on target. This is a terrific personal statement as is--with minor corrections--and should not be altered in any substantive manner unless your goal is mass mediocrity. As written, your personal statement is an honest & accurate portrayal of your self image so why try to force an artificial personna on experienced admissions officers who can readily spot contrived essays ? Law schools are not afraid of students with strong personalities or strong personal beliefs. I will agree, however, that your current writing is much more suitable for Yale, Berkeley or Harvard than it is for BYU or Pepperdine.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Oct 14, 2010 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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crysmissmichelle
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Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby crysmissmichelle » Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:20 am

This was wonderful to read, though I would add a qualifier to this sentence for how old you were since you are drawing a contrast. . . obviously my wording is not what you will use, but I'm just giving an example:

Always a staunch feminist, as a teen, I challenged anything I encountered that might remotely have a sexist aspect.


This is definitely the most interesting read I've seen on TLS for a PS. . .

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Flett
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Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby Flett » Thu Oct 14, 2010 12:35 pm

Wow. Thank you for writing something I enjoyed reading! The other comments already here pretty much cover anything I could suggest. Just don't change things too much. Good work!

Also, I do not feel that this comes off as "robotic and impersonal" as your friend suggested. :shock:

yumberry
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Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:48 pm

Re: please critique my diversity statement?

Postby yumberry » Thu Oct 14, 2010 5:21 pm

Thanks to all of you for your advice! I'm working on the grammar and a less aggressive portrayal, but will probably leave it largely unchanged. Will definitely remove the parenthetical insert, thanks :P I definitely feel a LOT better about this diversity statement and really appreciate all the help!




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