Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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lalalawya
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Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby lalalawya » Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:38 pm

Thanks for your comments!
Last edited by lalalawya on Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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lalalawya
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby lalalawya » Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:40 am

Anyone? I promise I wont be offended if you tell me you hate it. I am just hoping to have it critiqued, as I am trying to submit my apps by this weekend.

obrayd
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby obrayd » Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:12 am

I, likewise, began my internship feeling somewhat discouraged and overwhelmed, but ended my internship a confident, independent woman who is now sure of her interest in pursuing law.


Your PS needs to tell me more about this and less about Matt. In the first two paragraphs you establish that you would make for a creative and dedicated teacher, but that's not what I am looking for; I am looking for a statement about a time when you were the student and learned--then relate that to me to law school.

That is not to say you cannot share your anecdote of teaching Matt, but I believe you would benefit from showing how Matt actually taught you. Didn't he teach you to take a step back in order to take a step in the right direction?

Focus less on Matt and more on you. Don't tell me that your internship brought growth--show me.

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lalalawya
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby lalalawya » Tue Oct 12, 2010 9:18 am

Thanks! I agree, I guess I am just struggling with that though, because in one of my earlier statements I talked only about my internship and the struggles I faced but that was met with much criticism.

I understand what you mean, though. Use the matt anecdote as an introduction, but have the main body paragraph be about myself. Thanks again!

obrayd wrote:
I, likewise, began my internship feeling somewhat discouraged and overwhelmed, but ended my internship a confident, independent woman who is now sure of her interest in pursuing law.


Your PS needs to tell me more about this and less about Matt. In the first two paragraphs you establish that you would make for a creative and dedicated teacher, but that's not what I am looking for; I am looking for a statement about a time when you were the student and learned--then relate that to me to law school.

That is not to say you cannot share your anecdote of teaching Matt, but I believe you would benefit from showing how Matt actually taught you. Didn't he teach you to take a step back in order to take a step in the right direction?

Focus less on Matt and more on you. Don't tell me that your internship brought growth--show me.

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lalalawya
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby lalalawya » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:44 am

any other comments? thanks!

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sophia.olive
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby sophia.olive » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:52 am

my left tit is more of a man than you are.

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sophia.olive
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby sophia.olive » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:52 am

sorry wrong thread

CanadianWolf
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 12, 2010 11:19 am

This is a very good personal statement. Your theme of "willingness to grow at the risk of failure" is appropriate for law school. In my opinion, you did show rather than tell. I enjoyed reading your essay & think that law professors would delight in teaching one who exhibits resilience.

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lalalawya
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby lalalawya » Tue Oct 12, 2010 4:34 pm

Thank you!!

CanadianWolf wrote:This is a very good personal statement. Your theme of "willingness to grow at the risk of failure" is appropriate for law school. In my opinion, you did show rather than tell. I enjoyed reading your essay & think that law professors would delight in teaching one who exhibits resilience.

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lalalawya
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby lalalawya » Tue Oct 12, 2010 5:38 pm

Just a question to whomever may be reading this....

Do my qualities shine effectively through in the first part of my PS? I know I clearly show Matt's ability to overcome his own obstacles, but do I make clear that I was also struggling with the obstacle of teaching him and was able to overcome them too? I was trying to make the story more about me than Matt, and was trying to "show" the types of skills I exhibit by including this experience I had without outright telling it...using the Matt story as almost an avenue to tell mine. I know the portion of my PS where I discuss my internship does this (but, as commented previously, I need to add a little more about specific challenges I faced during my job), but do I make this clear in the first couple paragraphs? Thank ya.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:15 pm

Overall, it's good. You effectively draw the connections between both jobs. It shows experience and insight.

First two paragraphs -- good. i think i don't think there's too much of Matt at all. Even if Matt is the center, that shows the reader that you were a teacher dedicated to your students. i'm not a big fan of the teaching personal statements that have the theme of "look at all the things i've done for my student(s)" you've focused on how your student has affected you, how you've learned from your student. and your ps is better for it.
third paragraph -- a tad jumbled, confusing syntax issues.
last paragraphs - -you reiterate the comparision (between you and Matt) in a few too many sentences. the reader gets it. you've drawn the parallels, don't make it tiring.

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lalalawya
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby lalalawya » Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:25 pm

Super helpful critique; thanks so much! Would you mind if I PM'ed you my revised draft for your comments sometime in the next day or so? If not, don't worry...just figured it wouldn't hurt to ask :).

ShuckingNotJiving wrote:Overall, it's good. You effectively draw the connections between both jobs. It shows experience and insight.

First two paragraphs -- good. i think i don't think there's too much of Matt at all. Even if Matt is the center, that shows the reader that you were a teacher dedicated to your students. i'm not a big fan of the teaching personal statements that have the theme of "look at all the things i've done for my student(s)" you've focused on how your student has affected you, how you've learned from your student. and your ps is better for it.
third paragraph -- a tad jumbled, confusing syntax issues.
last paragraphs - -you reiterate the comparision (between you and Matt) in a few too many sentences. the reader gets it. you've drawn the parallels, don't make it tiring.

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vanwinkle
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby vanwinkle » Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:30 pm

sophia.olive wrote:my left tit is more of a man than you are.

Your left tit is more banned than I am.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: Third try, second approach. More honest critiques? Please!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:00 pm

yeah, you can pm it if you'd like




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