Second draft of career aspirations PS

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Excellence = a Habit
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Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2010 2:15 pm

Second draft of career aspirations PS

Postby Excellence = a Habit » Mon Oct 11, 2010 6:53 pm

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Last edited by Excellence = a Habit on Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

samueljose
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Joined: Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:53 pm

Re: Second draft of career aspirations PS

Postby samueljose » Tue Oct 12, 2010 12:06 pm

Excellent. Much much better. Your intro was very good and you transitioned into your career experience very nicely. This seemed much more alive and organized that the previous version.

Excellence please review mine, I would appreciate your feedback. Thanks.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second draft of career aspirations PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 12, 2010 12:50 pm

You can do better. The opening sentence is weak & poorly written. Much of your personal statement seems to be just a verbose rehashing of your resume. Too many details, too little insight.

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Excellence = a Habit
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Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2010 2:15 pm

Re: Second draft of career aspirations PS

Postby Excellence = a Habit » Tue Oct 12, 2010 11:54 pm

Thanks to both of you. Samuel, I'll hit up your statement, hopefully tomorrow.

Wolf, agreed on the intro sentence. But I wonder what insight you feel is missing? Do you mean there's a lack of deep thoughts in general? Or does the PS leave you with some specific questions about me?




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