any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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beleaguer
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any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

Postby beleaguer » Mon Oct 11, 2010 6:07 pm

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Last edited by beleaguer on Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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lalalawya
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Re: any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

Postby lalalawya » Mon Oct 11, 2010 6:18 pm

I think your message gets lost in the language you use in the first couple paragraphs. It is as if you are trying to prove you have an extensive vocabularly now and are wanting to include every large word you have learned in your PS as evidence. You transition from using big words in the first part of your PS to pretty much everyday words by then end; this presents itself to be a discrepancy in terms of writing style. Overall, I think the story behind your statement is nice, though. It can be impressive without using a massive amount of impressive words.

EDIT:
On a second read, I guess your language in the first couple of paragraphs is not so overly impressive. But, I still feel they do not read as easily as your others.

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beleaguer
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Re: any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

Postby beleaguer » Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:45 pm

thanks for the response! you're right and i'll definitely look into that

CanadianWolf
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Re: any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:52 pm

I enjoyed reading your personal statement. It's very good. Your first two paragraphs are stronger than the others, but all of your essay is well done. The first two paragraphs display cleverness & a bit of humor, whereas the remainder of the writing is more straightforward & serious.

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beleaguer
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Re: any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

Postby beleaguer » Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:16 pm

Thank you for the response! Now I'm a little confused as to what to do with the first two paragraphs.

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lalalawya
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Re: any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

Postby lalalawya » Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:38 pm

Perhaps I found the first two paragraphs harder to read because they were so much more sophisticated than the ones following. I didn't mean to imply that they were poorly written or you should scrap them, it is just that you use impressive language in them and then go on to use regular, everyday language throughout the rest of the essay. So I guess, change your following paragraphs language to match that of the first two paragraphs, or change the first two paragraphs to match the remaining.

two_wheels_good
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Re: any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

Postby two_wheels_good » Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:39 pm

Actually, I quite liked this essay. You wove everything into one overall theme, it was personal but it stuck to the point, and you included parts about your work history that showed a side of your work experience that your resume wouldn't convey. Which is kind of the point of a ps in the first place.

The transition from the third to fourth paragraph was fine. By referring back to your introduction, you kind of spun everything together really well.

One small gripe though: "A crisp autumn day" is totally unnecessary. It reminded me of English Composition papers where the students try to sound "literary." Just something more direct without the imagery would work just fine.

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beleaguer
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Re: any advice/criticism would be appreciated!

Postby beleaguer » Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:43 pm

Thanks for all the help! Will definitely take everything into consideration :)




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