Please be harsh!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mrwarre85
Posts: 685
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:40 pm

Please be harsh!

Postby mrwarre85 » Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:10 pm

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Last edited by mrwarre85 on Thu Apr 26, 2012 11:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please be harsh!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:16 pm

Reads as if you took one too many happy pills on the day that you wrote this essay. Your proposed personal statement offers scant insight as to who you are &, worse, suggests a touch of flakiness. The good news is that if your admissions officer is a Buddhist Monk, you're in !
P.S. Please don't be upset with my critique as I followed your instructions.

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AreJay711
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Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:51 pm

Re: Please be harsh!

Postby AreJay711 » Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:32 pm

I'm not a big fan of questions in a PS. I would scrap all of it and focus on what you saw in Egypt that made you want to be a lawyer. I also think you should focus more on how you want to help poor people in foreign countries and less talking about classism. I don't really know what you are talking about when you say "... I’ll agree, but I’ll also mention that their future tax dollars will pay for schools which will make all our streets safer." So you are going to do what? Go around the world finding tax evaders? Maybe be more clear on that.

When you do rewrite it though seriously tighten up your language and try to be more concise. Remember: show don't tell.

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plenipotentiary
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Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:13 pm

Re: Please be harsh!

Postby plenipotentiary » Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:35 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Reads as if you took one too many happy pills on the day that you wrote this essay. Your proposed personal statement offers scant insight as to who you are &, worse, suggests a touch of flakiness. The good news is that if your admissions officer is a Buddhist Monk, you're in !
P.S. Please don't be upset with my critique as I followed your instructions.


Your PS critiques are the awesomest.

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plenipotentiary
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Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:13 pm

Re: Please be harsh!

Postby plenipotentiary » Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:37 pm

I don't think it's advisable to write that you knew you wanted to apply to a "few other schools" in your PS. I don't think they're going to assume that you're only applying to their law school if you don't include that sentence. And please don't talk about yourself in the third person.

mrwarre85
Posts: 685
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:40 pm

Re: Please be harsh!

Postby mrwarre85 » Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:53 pm

Great this type of advice is just what I needed. I'll re-draft and re-post, then if its still bad I'll start over.

Thanks! -- So in review, no third person, less talk about ideas "classism" and more direct talk about how I can be of assistance, and be more precise and less ambiguous in the whole essay?

plenipotentiary wrote:I don't think it's advisable to write that you knew you wanted to apply to a "few other schools" in your PS. I don't think they're going to assume that you're only applying to their law school if you don't include that sentence. And please don't talk about yourself in the third person.




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