Please read and comment, PS hot off the presses

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samueljose
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:53 pm

Please read and comment, PS hot off the presses

Postby samueljose » Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:08 pm

I have trouble sleeping sometimes because of the rumble of jet engines flying overhead, staggered every fifteen minutes by an air traffic control tower two miles away. I have trouble eating healthily sometimes, because of the seductive smell of corn, cheese and chili sauce sold by middle-aged ladies out of old grocery carts. Every morning, the burning desert sun batters the cream colored paint of our apartment, which lies in the government housing projects known as “the Marcos” in the heart of South Central Phoenix. This largely Mexican enclave, just five minutes south of downtown’s shiny stadiums and fast cars, is where I grew up.
Despite its façade of dollar stores, jail bails and Chinese buffets, this area is secretly a classroom. In this classroom I learned the values of patience and humility from countless afternoons spent waiting for a city bus in 120 degrees heat. Only one word can describe the feeling of finally seeing the rectangular frame of the bus slowly pull closer: gratitude. It was also here that I practiced what is now known as “sustainability” from a childhood of sharing and reusing everything; a necessary skill when one is both, the youngest of four and living on a fixed income. Trash bags became ponchos, empty butter containers transformed into lunch boxes, worn out clothing found new life as stuffing for our pillows. It was a constant exercise of thinking outside the box to make ends meet. I landed my first full time job at 14 because I needed a graphing calculator and our budget was already stretched like a yoga instructor. It was the first of six jobs that I would hold during high school alone. As the challenges mounted my resolve grew. I could not control my circumstances but I could control my effort. This dedication and willingness to work is how I became the first in my family to obtain a college degree, how I have traveled to three continents and seen seven countries, how I graduated from the Marcos.
My education from the Marcos transferred into many different areas. For over three years I conducted research with the Juntos Project, a study funded by the National Institute of Health and focused on Arizona’s Mexican community. I patiently and carefully coded and translated hundreds of research interviews into information we could use. Thinking creatively and finding alternative solutions allowed me to finance a trip to Argentina. I wanted to go to Argentina to study theories of economic development and I was not going to let cost stop me. I feverishly applied to every scholarship that I could think of, I got a second job, and just in case I investigated private loans. It was two months before my trip date and I had not heard back from anybody. I had $327 in the bank and a growing sense of desperation. Then letters started trickling in, one after the other. I ended up funding a $14,000 trip solely off grants and scholarships, including a scholarship from the U.S. Department of State.
I am different kind of applicant. The values and skills that allowed my to excel in my first classroom are the bedrock of my future law school success. I know struggle, and I know how to overcome it. I will engage this next obstacle through patience, creative thinking and persistence. It has not been easy to get to where I am today, but at the same time it has not been an accident. I am motivated by a desire to be an example for my community, a community desperately in need of leaders and educated people who understand both its hardship and promise. With the help of ________ University’s _______ program I will pair my passion for my community with the tools to move it forward. I am a son and graduate of South Central Phoenix and the future founder of the alumni chapter

samueljose
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:53 pm

Re: Please read and comment, PS hot off the presses

Postby samueljose » Sun Oct 10, 2010 11:31 pm

Anybody? I would really appreciate feedback

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AreJay711
Posts: 3406
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:51 pm

Re: Please read and comment, PS hot off the presses

Postby AreJay711 » Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:39 pm

Well the first thing I would do is find someone who is really good with grammar and check your comma use throughout. Also explain why you are a different type of applicant. Because you didn't grow up rich? Because you had a full time job in high school? Because you refuse to let obstacles get in your way? I wasn't sure what you meant. If that is what you mean, drop the sentence because they will see that from the rest of your statement and you won't run the risk of sounding pretentious. If it's not, explain what you do mean. Wasn't a big fan of the ending "I am a son and graduate of South Central Phoenix and the future founder of the alumni chapter" -- I think you should cut it.

samueljose
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:53 pm

Re: Please read and comment, PS hot off the presses

Postby samueljose » Mon Oct 11, 2010 4:31 pm

Great thanks for your feedback. I was going for full circle with the last line, but I can see where you're going with that. Thanks :)

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Veyron
Posts: 3598
Joined: Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:50 am

Re: Please read and comment, PS hot off the presses

Postby Veyron » Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:00 pm

Cool, another Latino (at least I assume) from Phoenix!

PS needs some work but is inspiring. In particular, check your grammar and punctuation again.

If you get the numbers to put you in the ballpark for the T-14 or have any specific questions about Penn or the placement of different schools in AZ generally, I'd be happy to field questions from you via PM.

P.S. fourteen not 14. Always write out the number when it is one word.




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