Single sentence - What do you think?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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AreJay711
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Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby AreJay711 » Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:17 pm

What do you think about this sentence? Does it make sense? Would you cut it? It fits the flow of my Why Michigan Essay but idk if it is appropriate, even if it is true - have you ever heard a law school NOT say that they have a collegial, cooperative atmosphere without to much competition?

"Granted, if all law schools were as their websites said, in regards to collegiality, law school would resemble kindergarten."

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bk1
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby bk1 » Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:21 pm

It's a poorly structured sentence. Very clunky.

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lalalawya
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:23 pm

I haven't read your PS, obviously, but it doesn't seem to necessary.
AreJay711 wrote:What do you think about this sentence? Does it make sense? Would you cut it? It fits the flow of my Why Michigan Essay but idk if it is appropriate, even if it is true - have you ever heard a law school NOT say that they have a collegial, cooperative atmosphere without to much competition?

"Granted, if all law schools were as their websites said, in regards to collegiality, law school would resemble kindergarten."

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BaiAilian2013
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby BaiAilian2013 » Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:33 pm

I would cut it. Yes, all law schools say that, and yes, that makes us as an audience :roll: , but since they persist in saying it, they clearly don't think the idea is so silly and probably won't want you disparaging it.

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MrPapagiorgio
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby MrPapagiorgio » Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:33 pm

AreJay711 wrote:What do you think about this sentence? Does it make sense? Would you cut it? It fits the flow of my Why Michigan Essay but idk if it is appropriate, even if it is true - have you ever heard a law school NOT say that they have a collegial, cooperative atmosphere without to much competition?

"Granted, if all law schools were as their websites said, in regards to collegiality, law school would resemble kindergarten."


If you have your heart set on it, make it more grammatically correct:

"Law school would resemble kindergarten if it was a collegial as its the website says."

This way, it is more direct and removes the pauses that the comma overload creates.

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AreJay711
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby AreJay711 » Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:50 pm

Thanks for the feedback. It is a tad clunky but that is intentional. Without the pauses the essay reads to fast in my mind. I'm using it to compare what all schools SAY and what Michigan IS. Minus the wording, is that message OK?

dakatz
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby dakatz » Fri Oct 08, 2010 4:54 pm

The way you broke it into 4 parts is not good phrasing. One of the first things we learned in our legal writing class is that you want to be straightforward and clear (go figure). I understand that a personal statement isn't the same as legal writing, but the desire to be clear is still there. The more you break up a sentence with commas, the more you make the reader lose track of exactly what it is you are trying to say.

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Whatisthis
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby Whatisthis » Fri Oct 08, 2010 5:02 pm

MrPapagiorgio wrote:
AreJay711 wrote:What do you think about this sentence? Does it make sense? Would you cut it? It fits the flow of my Why Michigan Essay but idk if it is appropriate, even if it is true - have you ever heard a law school NOT say that they have a collegial, cooperative atmosphere without to much competition?

"Granted, if all law schools were as their websites said, in regards to collegiality, law school would resemble kindergarten."


If you have your heart set on it, make it more grammatically correct:

"Law school would resemble kindergarten if it was a collegial as its the website says."

This way, it is more direct and removes the pauses that the comma overload creates.



I love how your sentence is grammatically incorrect. Although, I agree with the structure.

Anyhow... OP, don't do it!

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MrPapagiorgio
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby MrPapagiorgio » Fri Oct 08, 2010 5:06 pm

Whatisthis wrote:
MrPapagiorgio wrote:
AreJay711 wrote:What do you think about this sentence? Does it make sense? Would you cut it? It fits the flow of my Why Michigan Essay but idk if it is appropriate, even if it is true - have you ever heard a law school NOT say that they have a collegial, cooperative atmosphere without to much competition?

"Granted, if all law schools were as their websites said, in regards to collegiality, law school would resemble kindergarten."


If you have your heart set on it, make it more grammatically correct:

"Law school would resemble kindergarten if it was a collegial as its the website says."

This way, it is more direct and removes the pauses that the comma overload creates.



I love how your sentence is grammatically incorrect. Although, I agree with the structure.

Anyhow... OP, don't do it!


I was wondering how long it would take for someone to pick up on it... :D

"Law school would resemble kindergarten if it was as collegial as its website says"

But still, don't shit on law schools. They know quite well that the happy, smiling faces we see on the website are 100% BS.

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philosoraptor
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby philosoraptor » Fri Oct 08, 2010 5:53 pm

AreJay711 wrote:It is a tad clunky but that is intentional.
Intentionally clunky writing? What could possibly make you think that's a good idea?

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AreJay711
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby AreJay711 » Sun Oct 10, 2010 3:13 pm

philosoraptor wrote:
AreJay711 wrote:It is a tad clunky but that is intentional.
Intentionally clunky writing? What could possibly make you think that's a good idea?


Yea I'm re-writing it like everyone suggested. It wasn't intentionally clunky but Ill post in context so you see at least what I was trying to accomplish. It isn't really grammatically incorrect but I agree that it would be better to revise.

After talking about the academic things I liked about Michigagn......

"I read other things too, about the collegial atmosphere, the community, and the culture. Granted, if all law schools were as their websites said, in regards to collegiality, law school would resemble kindergarten. However, every source echoed that Michigan Law was a special place and it seemed to be exactly what I wanted."

.... Then I start a new paragraph where I talk about how I was intrigued and drove all the way to Michigan to see it for myself.

Basically I put the "In regards to collegiality" in there to say law schools aren't completely full of shit just in this one regard lol.

dougroberts
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby dougroberts » Sun Oct 10, 2010 3:26 pm

Are you serious? Writing like that will not take you far in law school or in practice for that matter. I hope the rest of your essay is better than that sentence.

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WhatSarahSaid
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby WhatSarahSaid » Sun Oct 10, 2010 4:38 pm

Definitely don't include it.

If the quotes you've put up are representative of your whole PS, ask a friend or someone on this board to proofread it.

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AreJay711
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Re: Single sentence - What do you think?

Postby AreJay711 » Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:06 pm

WhatSarahSaid wrote:Definitely don't include it.

If the quotes you've put up are representative of your whole PS, ask a friend or someone on this board to proofread it.


Anyone mind checking it? I'll return the favor




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