PS help is appreciated, thanks

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mrwarre85
Posts: 685
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:40 pm

PS help is appreciated, thanks

Postby mrwarre85 » Fri Oct 08, 2010 12:27 pm

This needs work. Tell me what you think about the whole third person switch in the middle, and also if you think the topic and focus of the statement is acceptable. I was going to work on making it transistion better, but if it is in too bad of shape then I'll start over. Thanks!


If a person was successful at what they knew, should they be held accountable for things that they didn’t? I suppose they could have made the effort to learn what they did not know. However, I also think a reasonable argument could be made that it might be better to judge that person’s capabilities differently. Perhaps, a master painter’s success in the arts would be indicative of his future success in other endeavors, despite the fact the he never learned to read. Then again, though, I suppose for many of us, it would depend on the thing that was lacking. Shouldn’t a person have known to brush their teeth? Some things must be obvious, right? Finally, shouldn’t we factor in which actions may or may not have consequences for society as a whole, and what those consequences might be?

I believe the questions above are important. For me, all of the potential answers are complicated. I am satisfied with this. My life has been an adventure full of complications. It started in a small town where everybody thought that life was simple, but it’s taken me far from such false comforts. In this adventure, I have seen rich and poor. I have followed and led, and in the latter role I have made decisions that others felt were overly practical, as well as decisions that others felt were overly empathetic. I’m either a responsible liberal or a compassionate conservative depending on who you ask; I am one of the few people under thirty that has been employed by both of our nation’s major political parties. Either way, I’m someone who makes an attempt at an open-mind. I do not wish to portray myself as a man whose mind and heart blow with the fairest weather, robbing him of the chance to complete anything difficult, anything noble or meaningful. I’m not that. In my essay I’m simply trying to do what everyone else has tried to do with theirs. It’s what everyone attempts to do on the first day of a job and it most certainly affects what everyone writes on his or her MySpace page. In this essay I’m trying to convey to you the person that I strive to be.

That person is open-minded, open to debate and criticism. He pursues balance, and believes in the value of emotional and interpersonal intelligence. He worked hard to win the respect of friends whom would be quick to tell you that he advocates the importance of perspective. They would also say that he believes in himself, and that he wants to be a student and classmate but that he has held many titles before. The person I strive to be is an aspiring thinker who loves the idea of the law. He has always wanted to be an attorney, but only realized the kind of education he would need after a trip he took around the world. He wants to take part of your Africa program under Prof blandershimle. (will enter proper citation later)

Like many, my desire to study law comes from an awareness of inequity in the world and a notion that I could play a successful role in its alleviation. I realized that I specifically wanted to apply to ######, and a few other schools with top-level international law programs, while I was in Egypt. I have written and photographed in over twenty five countries, and what I have seen on the road is becoming the focus of my life. While many in the so-called developed world live in a cloud of entitlements, the majority of mankind lives a much harder, briefer existence. However, while walking the markets of Cairo, where the tanned people scurry off, shrinking from occasional Toyota Land-Rovers as they push through, I thought to myself that this place isn’t so different than America. Our nation’s income inequality is a problem, too. It’s only that, in Cairo, it’s much harder for the rich to build gated communities in the periphery of what should be our shared reality, isolated from the people they will likely one day govern.

As an attorney, I will advocate for those who are outside of the gated communities. At the same time, I will lobby those on the inside about the benefits of living in a society. When they tell me about competition and the benefits of our free-market, I’ll agree, but I’ll also mention that their future tax dollars will pay for schools which will make all our streets safer. I will try to be humble. In my travels, I have met wonderful people who didn’t know to brush their teeth. They deserve an advocate. I seek admittance to ##### because it gives me the greatest chance to be their best advocate.

I look forward to hearing from #####.

mrwarre85
Posts: 685
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:40 pm

Re: PS help is appreciated, thanks

Postby mrwarre85 » Fri Oct 08, 2010 2:04 pm

Hah I'm a loser I'm the first to respond to my own post. Ok I already made some edits! Which is better the top or the bottom???



If a person was successful at what they knew, should they be held accountable for things that they didn’t? I suppose they could have made the effort to learn what they did not know. However, I also think a reasonable argument could be made that it might be better to judge that person’s capabilities differently. Perhaps, a master painter’s success in the arts would be indicative of his future success in other endeavors, despite the fact the he never learned to read. Then again, though, I suppose for many of us, it would depend on the thing that was lacking. Regardless of circumstance, shouldn’t a person have known to brush their teeth? Some things must be obvious, right? Finally, shouldn’t we factor in which actions may or may not have consequences for society as a whole, and what those consequences might be?

I believe the questions above are important. Like many, my desire to study law comes from an awareness of inequity in the world and a notion that I could play a successful role in its alleviation. However, the dynamic nature of law makes it so much more than just an option. For me, all of the potential answers to the questions above are complicated by the plurality of respectable answers. I am satisfied with this. You see, my life has been an adventure full of complications. It started in a small town where life was thought to be simple, but it’s taken me far from such false comforts.

In this adventure, I have seen rich and poor. I have followed and led, and in the latter role I have made decisions that others felt were overly practical, as well as decisions that others felt were overly empathetic. I’m either a responsible liberal or a compassionate conservative depending on who you ask; I am one of the few people under thirty that has been employed by both of our nation’s major political parties. Either way, I’m someone who makes an attempt at an open-mind. I do not wish to portray myself as a man whose mind and heart blow with the fairest weather, robbing him of the chance to complete anything difficult, anything noble or meaningful. I’m not that. In my essay I’m simply trying to do what everyone else has tried to do with theirs. It’s what everyone attempts to do on the first day of a job and it most certainly affects what everyone writes on his or her MySpace page. In this essay I’m trying to convey to you the person that I strive to be.

That person is open-minded, open to debate and criticism. He pursues balance, and believes in the value of emotional and interpersonal intelligence. He worked hard to win the respect of friends who would be quick to tell you that he advocates the importance of perspective. They would also say that he believes in himself, and that he wants to be a student and classmate but that he has held many titles before. The person I strive to be is an aspiring thinker who loves the idea of the law. He has always wanted to be an attorney, but only realized the caliber of education he would need after a trip he took around the world. He wants to take part of your Africa program under Prof blandershimle. (will enter proper citation later)

I realized that I specifically wanted to apply to ######, and a few other schools with top-level international law programs, while I was in Egypt. I have written and photographed in over twenty five countries, and what I have seen on the road is becoming the focus of my life. While many in the so-called developed world live in a cloud of entitlements, the majority of mankind lives a much harder, briefer existence. However, while walking the markets of Cairo, where tanned people scurry off, shrinking from Toyota Land-Rovers as they push through, I thought to myself that this place isn’t so different than America. Our nation’s income inequality is a problem, too. It’s only that, in Cairo, it’s much harder for the rich to build gated communities in the periphery of what should be our shared reality, isolated from the people they will likely one day govern.

As an attorney, I will advocate for those who are outside of the gated communities. At the same time, I will lobby those on the inside about the benefits of living in a society. When they tell me about competition and the benefits of our free-market, I’ll agree, but I’ll also mention that their future tax dollars will pay for schools which will make all our streets safer. I will try to be humble. In my travels, I have met wonderful people who didn’t know to brush their teeth. They deserve an advocate. I seek admittance to ##### because it gives me the greatest chance to be their best advocate.

I look forward to hearing from #####.




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