First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
lalalawya
Posts: 321
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:34 pm

First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby lalalawya » Thu Oct 07, 2010 10:36 pm

This is my first, rough draft so it is very...rough. Please be brutal (but helpful). Thanks so much! And if anyone would like feedback on theirs just PM me it.


EDIT

Thanks for all of your tips! I am probably going to start from scratch and re-post in a day or two for more critique.
Last edited by lalalawya on Fri Oct 08, 2010 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

HeavenWood
Posts: 2915
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:42 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby HeavenWood » Fri Oct 08, 2010 12:03 am

This needs to be shortened. Most schools don't want more than two pages.

adevotchka
Posts: 101
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 4:50 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby adevotchka » Fri Oct 08, 2010 12:10 am

lalalawya wrote:The CEO of the company summed up my experience best when he told me that I came out to Los Angeles a girl, but left a woman.



I would really, really remove this. Aside from being cliched, it kinda makes it sound like your CEO gave you a good railing.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:44 am

Not good. Too verbose, too detailed & lacking insight. This essay tends to portray you as a great paralegal school candidate or as a superb legal assistant, but hints that law school may be too academically challenging for you.

User avatar
lalalawya
Posts: 321
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:34 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:57 am

CanadianWolf wrote:Not good. Too verbose, too detailed & lacking insight. This essay tends to portray you as a great paralegal school candidate or as a superb legal assistant, but hints that law school may be too academically challenging for you.


Really? (that wasn't mean to sound saracastic, by the way)
I wanted to highlight my struggles in high school and the beginning of college, because I have shown a dramatic increase in grades the past three semesters.. (started first semester with a LSAC converted 2.87 and ended up getting a LSAC converted 3.87 last semester...), which is something they will see on my transcript. I also really wanted to center my PS around my internship this past summer because it really truly did force me to evolve. I absolutely agree with you on being too detailed, hence the reason it is the length of a novel :) But, do you have any suggestions as to how I can make it seem less like it is coming from a paralegal or legal assistant candidate? Thanks!

User avatar
lalalawya
Posts: 321
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:34 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:58 am

adevotchka wrote:
lalalawya wrote:The CEO of the company summed up my experience best when he told me that I came out to Los Angeles a girl, but left a woman.



I would really, really remove this. Aside from being cliched, it kinda makes it sound like your CEO gave you a good railing.



Haha, he really did say that though! But, I agree with you. Thanks!

User avatar
lalalawya
Posts: 321
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:34 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:59 am

HeavenWood wrote:This needs to be shortened. Most schools don't want more than two pages.


Are there parts that you think absolutely do not need to be in there? Thank you!

User avatar
lalalawya
Posts: 321
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:34 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:04 am

...
Last edited by lalalawya on Fri Oct 08, 2010 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lmr
Posts: 252
Joined: Tue Sep 14, 2010 7:22 am

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby lmr » Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:24 am

Your second one is worse than your first- the first paragraph talking about what success is needs to be removed. It just doesn't seem sophisticated. I would avoid the whole conservative values angle too bc it really sounds silly. You are trying to frame it as though you are some lone conservative against a sea of evil liberals. Also you have way too much regurgitation of your resume in both pages.
Oh and get rid of the whole first generation law school student line. It just sounds wrong.

User avatar
Unemployed
Posts: 699
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:35 am

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby Unemployed » Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:31 am

lalalawya wrote:Be mean, be veryyyy mean


You are a worthless human being and can't write worth a damn. :twisted:

Actually, I think you are a good writer - it's just that your topic is so dull and cookie cutter. Take out the laundry list ("I was this, and I did that, and then I became this...") and the law school talk ("X...Y...Z... This is why I would be a perfect candidate for law school!").

Focus on a small event or a project. Describe it in detail and let the narrative illustrate your maturity. It's much more effective than telling adcoms outright, "I was a mediocre student, but I'm a changed person - I swear!"

User avatar
lalalawya
Posts: 321
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:34 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby lalalawya » Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:35 am

Was this in response to my first PS, which was the OP. Or, my second PS which is two above? Or both? Thanks!
Unemployed wrote:
lalalawya wrote:Be mean, be veryyyy mean


You are a worthless human being and can't write worth a damn. :twisted:

Actually, I think you are a good writer - it's just that your topic is so dull and cookie cutter. Take out the laundry list ("I was this, and I did that, and then I became this...") and the law school talk ("X...Y...Z... This is why I would be a perfect candidate for law school!").

Focus on a small event or a project. Describe it in detail and let the narrative illustrate your maturity. It's much more effective than telling adcoms outright, "I was a mediocre student, but I'm a changed person - I swear!"

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 08, 2010 10:32 am

Your second essay is much worse than your first. Do you have access to a law school advisor or university writing clinic ? If so, then consider meeting with them as both of your posted personal statements are likely to hurt your chances of admission to any competitive law school. In my opinion, neither is worth saving.

username99
Posts: 445
Joined: Thu Jun 24, 2010 1:40 pm

Re: First draft of PS. Be mean, be veryyyy mean

Postby username99 » Fri Oct 08, 2010 1:02 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Your second essay is much worse than your first. Do you have access to a law school advisor or university writing clinic ? If so, then consider meeting with them as both of your posted personal statements are likely to hurt your chances of admission to any competitive law school. In my opinion, neither is worth saving.


Notice how many times you start paragraphs with this:

First, I ...
Fortunately, I ....
As a blah blah, I...

Use declarative sentences, mofo.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.