2nd Draft, Please critique and I will return the favor....

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
trudat15
Posts: 900
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:57 pm

2nd Draft, Please critique and I will return the favor....

Postby trudat15 » Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:17 am

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Last edited by trudat15 on Fri Oct 08, 2010 5:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: 2nd Draft, Please critique and I will return the favor....

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 07, 2010 12:21 pm

"The advantage a J.D. degree would afford our company was enormous." is the only part of the entire essay that piqued my interest.

trudat15
Posts: 900
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2010 11:57 pm

Re: 2nd Draft, Please critique and I will return the favor....

Postby trudat15 » Thu Oct 07, 2010 1:02 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:"The advantage a J.D. degree would afford our company was enormous." is the only part of the entire essay that piqued my interest.


Unreadable, as in the writing? Or was the story just not good and not fit for a PS? Or both?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: 2nd Draft, Please critique and I will return the favor....

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 07, 2010 1:44 pm

In my opinion, the material is not suitable for a law school personal statement as presented. Too many details, too little insight.

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Excellence = a Habit
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Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2010 2:15 pm

Re: 2nd Draft, Please critique and I will return the favor....

Postby Excellence = a Habit » Thu Oct 07, 2010 4:32 pm

The 5th and 6th paragraphs seem to be the ones that bring the conflict to the forefront and then show how your leadership skills got everyone through it. I think they should come sooner. That would also lead to less flickering around between past and present, between background info and action. How about the opening paragraph leading directly into everyone feeling really discouraged and you reminding them of how far you've come. That sets you up as an inspirational leader from the get-go - then you could segue into the background of the team's development and the challenges you'd faced on this project.

I would try a couple of things:

- a little less description of how you were underdogs might be a good way to cut a little content; I don't think you'd lose much

- A little more emphasis of your leadership would be good. When I read carefully, it's evident that you were really crucial to this overall project. But you use the word "we" so much - especially in paragraph 3 - that it begins to feel like you are just one of many, rather than a co-founder. In addition to using more "I" and less "we," you could be more specific about how you got the team gigs doing commercials and campaigns. And at the dramatic climax of your story -- wherein you marshal the forces after an exhausting period and a terrifying moment - spend a little more time driving home the fact that you inspired these people with your rhetoric. Maybe add some flourishes about catching someone's eye and reminding them about the pizza runs he'd taken for the group over the past 3 weeks, or describe how their faces looked as you saw your pep talk translating into their will to carry on. Basically, drive home the leadership point.

- A couple of word choices that may be entirely intentional but perhaps not -- "scrapped" together money: I'm more used to hearing "scraped" together money; "exasperated by budgetary constraints": I'm more used to hearing "exacerbated" - I just looked it up and it looks like one definition of exasperated is as a synonym for exacerbated, but it's not the most common meaning, and the adcomms may assume you got the words confused. Or maybe my vocab just isn't there yet.




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