DS / Optional Essay - Please Critique

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sly_lychee
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 27, 2010 3:23 am

DS / Optional Essay - Please Critique

Postby sly_lychee » Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:27 am

Deleted - Thanks for all the comments. Going to go back and add some details. Hopefully, it'll become more compelling.
Last edited by sly_lychee on Tue Oct 05, 2010 6:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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bk1
Posts: 18424
Joined: Sun Mar 14, 2010 7:06 pm

Re: DS / Optional Essay - Please Critique

Postby bk1 » Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:46 am

It feels very arrogant and the main weakness is that you do a lot of telling rather than showing (which is part of why it comes off as arrogant). You say things like "I am an aficionado," "It is a cliched four character idiom," "I set a goal and achieved it," etc. You're just putting these things out there and telling the reader, work on showing how you are an aficionado, or how/why it is cliched, or how you achieved the goal, etc.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: DS / Optional Essay - Please Critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 05, 2010 11:10 am

Although I do not find your writing to have an improper tone, I do agree that you are telling rather than showing. After reading your personal statement, I am unable to differetiate you from thousands of other applicants sharing a similiar cultural background.




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