(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
3 posts • Page 1 of 1
- Posts: 18149
- Joined: Sun Mar 14, 2010 7:06 pm
It feels very arrogant and the main weakness is that you do a lot of telling rather than showing (which is part of why it comes off as arrogant). You say things like "I am an aficionado," "It is a cliched four character idiom," "I set a goal and achieved it," etc. You're just putting these things out there and telling the reader, work on showing how you are an aficionado, or how/why it is cliched, or how you achieved the goal, etc.
- Posts: 10439
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm
Although I do not find your writing to have an improper tone, I do agree that you are telling rather than showing. After reading your personal statement, I am unable to differetiate you from thousands of other applicants sharing a similiar cultural background.
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