Need help with personal statement, Please critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Articfuze
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Aug 20, 2009 12:03 pm

Need help with personal statement, Please critique!

Postby Articfuze » Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:35 pm

...
Last edited by Articfuze on Tue Oct 05, 2010 6:53 pm, edited 4 times in total.

User avatar
Waggly Toast
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:08 pm

Re: Need help with personal statement, Please critique!

Postby Waggly Toast » Tue Oct 05, 2010 9:06 am

From your PS I understood the following:

You were forced to grow up at a very young age as much was required of you
You were the lifeline between your parents and American culture, which forced you to assimilate at an accelerated pace
Because of a lawsuit in which your parents were involved, and because the initial attorney was a dork, you were forced to use your own skills and knowledge to try and resolve your parent's dilemma by thinking "outside the box"
Your experiences have made you a more informed, better leader and you hope to bring that to law school
Your practice of the law will ensure that those who may not otherwise have an opportunity to be represented will be, and those who might be taken advantage of will not be

I would recommend you clean up the grammar. I might hesitate to criticize attorneys in my PS. To me, that would be like applying to be a salesman at Best Buy while criticizing salesmen at Best Buy in your cover letter. Hire me; I'll do a better job than those sorry-good-for-nothing salesmen you have out on the floor doing absolutely nothing!

Hope this helps.

Articfuze
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Aug 20, 2009 12:03 pm

Re: Need help with personal statement, Please critique!

Postby Articfuze » Tue Oct 05, 2010 10:52 am

Waggly Toast wrote:From your PS I understood the following:

You were forced to grow up at a very young age as much was required of you
You were the lifeline between your parents and American culture, which forced you to assimilate at an accelerated pace
Because of a lawsuit in which your parents were involved, and because the initial attorney was a dork, you were forced to use your own skills and knowledge to try and resolve your parent's dilemma by thinking "outside the box"
Your experiences have made you a more informed, better leader and you hope to bring that to law school
Your practice of the law will ensure that those who may not otherwise have an opportunity to be represented will be, and those who might be taken advantage of will not be

I would recommend you clean up the grammar. I might hesitate to criticize attorneys in my PS. To me, that would be like applying to be a salesman at Best Buy while criticizing salesmen at Best Buy in your cover letter. Hire me; I'll do a better job than those sorry-good-for-nothing salesmen you have out on the floor doing absolutely nothing!

Hope this helps.


Thank you for the critique. Those were the points I was trying to convey to the readers and I'm glad some of them got through. From your comments, I get the impression that it is not a total loss. You also make a great point with the analogy about criticizing an attorney. I'll probably modify that or remove it entirely. Once again, thank you for your help. It is greatly appreciated.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.