VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

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AVBucks4239
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VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby AVBucks4239 » Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:59 am

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Last edited by AVBucks4239 on Mon Oct 04, 2010 7:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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sophia.olive
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Re: VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby sophia.olive » Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:46 am

Bananas, you mom is a lesbian!!!!
jk.


It seemed a little disjointed. And I wouldn't shine to much light on your intolerance and lack of understanding. Also I would make the personal statement more about you.

"This is something that I have not even disclosed to some of my good friends." Are you ashamed?
I would be careful, this could come off as a little offensive. Like.... oh my christian god, my mom is a lesbian...... but i guess its ok if it makes her happy.. I should be happy.

" Law school is not a burden, but something I am confident I will truly enjoy." whatever you do i would take this line out. If you counter something that isnt obvious or mentioned it makes you look guilty. like if is said out of the blue "im not a pervert" I makes me look like I might be a pervert.

I dont think there is anything wrong with the subject matter. I think the way you present it is a little off.

CanadianWolf
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Re: VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 04, 2010 7:41 am

Reads like two different essays with two different tones. The essay about your mother is much better than the essay about your father. Also verb tenses are unnecessarily mixed up in a couple of sentences.
CONSIDER: "...but they paled in comparison to the constant stress of not being herself."
CONSIDER: Deleting the last four (4) sentences of the final paragraph.
CHANGE: "site" to "sight".
Overall your personal statement presents you as a person riding on an emotional rollercoaster. Too many extremes, for example, darkest moment of my life to most powerful lesson of my life. Also the different tones used in writing about your parents suggests emotional imbalance.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Mon Oct 04, 2010 7:56 am, edited 3 times in total.

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sundance95
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Re: VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby sundance95 » Mon Oct 04, 2010 7:48 am

The content isn't the problem-it's that you don't make it relevant to you and your desire to attend LS.

It pretty much reads: My mom told me she was a lesbian, I was upset, then we talked it out, then I worked for my dad's company in a legal capacity, now I want to go to lawl school.

How did the issue with your mother, and working it out with her, put you on a path towards law school, or will make you a better lawyer/law student? That's the link you have to build.

CanadianWolf
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Re: VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:15 am

Your essay contains two different tones because you are still struggling with your mother's revelation & its impact upon your beliefs & upon your family whereas your father & his work represent the traditional values of your upbringing.
This writing would be more effective if you admit your ongoing struggle. A personal statement is not a TV sitcom in which all issues are pleasantly resolved within 25 minutes. Your struggle is a real life issue & real life issues often are messy and complicated.

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odoylerules
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Re: VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby odoylerules » Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:27 am

I think the topic is certainly fine, as a personal statement should be, well, personal. I just wasn't convinced while reading it.
The last sentence (btw don't end your essay or any sentence for that matter with a preposition!) has an almost bitter ring to it. It doesn't feel well thought out, as you don't discuss in detail the challenges your mother has faced, and how you have profoundly changed. You don't say why you changed, its all of a sudden, and rather unconvincing. It reads as though you haven't accepted your mothers decision, as you instantly switch to talking about your father after mentioning that you experienced a change of heart. Really develop how you changed, how you dealt with it, and specifically, why exactly it has driven you to work towards going to law school and practicing law. I think this is a lot of material here that you need to develop and work through, but you can definitely do it.

mst
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Re: VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby mst » Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:08 am

Yeah I wouldn't worry to much about the personal stuff. It actually is refreshing and drew me in. But then it got a couple paragraphs in and it just turned into a ploy. The last few paragraphs felt very disconnected from the story about your mom. Here's how I see it as a reader:

-Accepts mom's philosophy of do what makes you happy. (aww, how nice of a story... where's it going?)
-Goes to colllege. (umm?)
-2 years later he goes to work for a law firm. (oh....you... got a job working with your dad???)

Wait, what? Why wouldn't he have done these things otherwise? You spend the entire first half setting up the moral, and you spend the rest not demonstrating at all how you decided to implement it, or overcame a similar internal struggle yourself (like your mom did). It just sounds like stuff you would have done regardless. If you want to make a cohesive essay (and this would have to be true), try turning the second half of the essay into a struggle like your moms. You need to demonstrate how you yourself had been or would soon face a dilemma like that with your decision to pursue law or some area of law or something, and how the idea of doing what makes you happy led you on a better path. Also, the last 2 lines were a bit cheesy in my opinion. Could work another way, but just seemed a bit odd as is.

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AVBucks4239
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Re: VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby AVBucks4239 » Mon Oct 04, 2010 11:37 am

I appreciate the critique and generally agree with everything that was said. In a weird way, I wanted to create an essay that both of my parents would be proud to read rather than write a persuasive essay.

What I most agree with is the fact that it reads as two different essays. I have struggled greatly in trying to stay away from the chronology of events at my dad's job that have led to boring draft after boring draft.

I think I have a pretty good idea to change the essay around. I'm going to rewrite the second half and talk about my struggles to be socially accepted at college. In short, I put my social life leaps and bounds ahead of my academic career because I wanted to be liked (similar to my mom).


Thanks to everybody who commented.

nStiver
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Re: VERY Sensitive PS Topic--Please Critique

Postby nStiver » Wed Oct 06, 2010 4:05 am

CanadianWolf wrote:Your essay contains two different tones because you are still struggling with your mother's revelation & its impact upon your beliefs & upon your family whereas your father & his work represent the traditional values of your upbringing.
This writing would be more effective if you admit your ongoing struggle. A personal statement is not a TV sitcom in which all issues are pleasantly resolved within 25 minutes. Your struggle is a real life issue & real life issues often are messy and complicated.


+1. God, sometimes people have this ability to look at a situation and just absolutely nail the underlying issues right on the head. Very perceptive CanadianWolf, and very good advice I might add.




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