Personal Statement 2

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mst
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Personal Statement 2

Postby mst » Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:38 am

Ok guys, this is second try with the same opening paragraph... totally different essay. If you would like to compare this to the MUCH weirder/more original first one, PM me.

Again, please don't quote. I'm going to have to remove this eventually. But I really like this one a lot so please give me any positive/negative feedback advice. I can change topics again if it's not absolutely perfect... already have done so 10 times.

Thank you!


PS Looking for feedback on topic and substance as opposed to grammar.

Edit: Updated again 9-5

Edit: Removed due to lack of continued response. Thank you for those who commented. I would really appreciate any other readers (at all) so please PM if interested. Thanks!
Last edited by mst on Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:31 am, edited 5 times in total.

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SullaFelix
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Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby SullaFelix » Sun Oct 03, 2010 12:02 pm

Honestly, I'm not sure if I love the choice of topic. But I'll leave that critique to someone else.

the clients unease


Typo. You need an apostrophe.

Also: "Days like this have not been atypical in my college career. " This is a classic telling vs. showing issue. If what follows that sentence actually proves this, then the introductory sentence is unnecessary.

Cut the line where you criticize the ex-wife. As a reader with no context in the situation, I found it jarring. It completely distracted from your argument, and I could easily see it raising red flags.

Regarding the final paragraph: Even after inserting the law schools' names, it's going to be obvious that you're playing a mad libs game. Don't even bother. It'd be much easier — and read better — if you elided that conclusion.

mst
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Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:01 am

Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby mst » Sun Oct 03, 2010 3:19 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I needed to make a cut but it figured it's easier to cut than write. Why don't you like the topic? That's really my main concern...

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SullaFelix
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Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby SullaFelix » Sun Oct 03, 2010 5:04 pm

mst wrote:Thanks for the feedback. I needed to make a cut but it figured it's easier to cut than write. Why don't you like the topic? That's really my main concern...


It just seemed banal. Was the most interesting thing to happen at this job really procuring food? It strikes me as difficult to justify that many words on something so seemingly insignificant.

mst
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Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby mst » Sun Oct 03, 2010 5:27 pm

Well no, but the point of the essay was to focus on how even a small gesture like that can make a major difference in the practice of law and the experience of the client and attorney. Maybe I didn't deliver that message as clearly as I wanted, or maybe that message just isn't worth delivering in a PS either way?

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SullaFelix
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Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby SullaFelix » Sun Oct 03, 2010 7:27 pm

mst wrote:Well no, but the point of the essay was to focus on how even a small gesture like that can make a major difference in the practice of law and the experience of the client and attorney. Maybe I didn't deliver that message as clearly as I wanted, or maybe that message just isn't worth delivering in a PS either way?


I don't feel like enough of an authority to say it can't work. But maybe there's a way that a) the anecdote can be written more cincisely and b) the central argument can be made clear near the beginning. Remember, you're lucky if anyone reads the entire thing. Don't make them wait for a big reveal.

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Excellence = a Habit
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Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby Excellence = a Habit » Mon Oct 04, 2010 1:37 am

I'm not sure exactly what all has changed since you first posted this, OP, though it looks like it's been edited several times. Based on the above poster's comments, I would say the changes you've made have been responsive to his/her criticisms, since they don't seem to apply as much now. Overall, I like the essay. The first bit sets the scene well for the larger story, which in turn is related well to "why law." And while it is just a little bit of a risk, I think, to so openly boast about what YOU will bring to law, instead of what you hope to learn, be able to do etc., I think you do it pretty well - not obnoxiously.

The one thing I might suggest is making it clear to the ad comms that you are well aware that, while "appreciation" in all its myriad material forms can ease tension in a legal setting and change the entire course of a proceeding, it is icing on the cake rather than the bread and butter of legal practice (oh boy, two food metaphors!). I am sure you know that, but I think you do want to be a little more explicit about it in your essay. Perhaps what would work is a sentence on all the boring/tedious/gritty stuff you dealt with that summer, or observed your boss dealing with. Acknowledge that food can't always win the day and that it more often comes down to things like communication, diplomacy, shrewd negotiation, etc.

Good luck!

mst
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Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby mst » Mon Oct 04, 2010 8:11 am

Thanks, that's definitely fantastic advice and makes me feel a lot better about potentially using this statement. I've been wracking my mind for a new topic all weekend and I just don't want to go down the path of "i was ____ as a child. then i went to ____. then i did this. i changed like this. now im like this. let me in. cool" So yeah, this is a good thing.

I do agree I definitely could come off as too "idealistic"/"perfect world for everyone"/"white middle class kid who's biggest problem of his day is what strength hair gel to use" in this. Easy fix though, not that hard to correct...

And I lol'd at the food reference, awesome :)

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Excellence = a Habit
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Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby Excellence = a Habit » Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:42 am

Awesome. I lol at your avatar like every time.

mst
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Re: Personal Statement 2

Postby mst » Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:56 pm

UPDATED




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