In need of serious help! Please take a look.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
lissyluv
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 10:12 am

In need of serious help! Please take a look.

Postby lissyluv » Sat Oct 02, 2010 2:47 am

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Last edited by lissyluv on Sun Oct 03, 2010 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sarahh
Posts: 610
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 2:36 pm

Re: In need of serious help! Please take a look.

Postby sarahh » Sat Oct 02, 2010 3:34 pm

I agree you need to work on the writing. I think that perhaps you are trying too hard to sound intellectual with the first sentence and also the Machiavelli quote. It is an interesting topic with good potential, but maybe you could portray it better. The reason you give for deciding to work at the hospital, "intellectual curiosity", is somewhat vague and generic. Also, maybe you could go into more detail about the previous attitude about ethics in Korea - just to provide background. (Is there a reason why you just have Korea and not South Korea?) Why were they alarmed at first? The same goes for the customized sessions. How exactly did you change attitudes?




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