2nd Draft PS critique needed

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merc280
Posts: 627
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 2:52 am

2nd Draft PS critique needed

Postby merc280 » Fri Oct 01, 2010 8:16 pm

I know there are a couple grammar mistakes in here, but I just wanted to get an overall sense of what people thought of my PS. The first one was horrible, so i just scrapped it and we in a different direction.


Seeing people in a state of utter despair always got me asking the same question “what is it that got them to feel that hopeless”. I have been interested in what makes individual people think the way they do because everyone’s thoughts together make up a community. I interned at the City of – Health department, specifically the community health services division where I participated in a health care assessment a historic neighborhood in the city. The idea behind this project was that through research and personal door to door interviews with the residents of acres homes we would have a chance at improving the health care situation of the community, and I could get a better understanding of how individuals in this community feel about their life’s. This health assessment project would allow us to understand what the health care needs were and whether or not more attention needed to be given to the health care aspect of the acres homes clinic. The same project was done a few years ago in another neighborhood in the city, and from the opinion of the people working in the community health sector of the city of Houston, the program was a success and they had made much advancement throughout the community benefiting the community residents. On my first day on the internship I learned more than I think I have learned at any other internship while in college. The first day that I worked, I spent with two other interns going to three different houses. Our duties as interns was pretty simple, we had a list of houses that we were required to go to and depending on if they were interested in talking with us about the health care conditions of the people in their household and the conditions that they felt were lacking in the community. The first house we went to was a 74 year old retired teacher who was widow. According to her the condition of the health care of the community was adequate, and she believed her health was in good condition and that there was nothing that the acres homes community needed. As the days of my internship went on right up until the ending days, I think the greatest thing that I learned was that the more education that an individual attains in their lifetime, completely determines how they are going to live their life, and how exactly they will utilize their resources to better themselves and those around them. There were instances where I saw that people with less formal schooling had let their houses and themselves go to ruin waiting for the city to come help them financially. On the other hand people who had gone to college and gotten jobs even if they didn’t pay too much, had found a way to use what little compensation they received used it in a efficient way and maintained their households with whatever money they got from their jobs. The overall perception of people who went to get higher education past high school had a positive way of looking at the world and understanding that there was always a way of making things better for themselves no matter how hard things got.
My internship with the city of --- Health Department gave me a chance to speak with residents from the most disadvantaged parts of town and seeing what it was specifically that we could do as the cities health department in making their health situation better. I learned that after a certain period of continued neglect from the city’s social services the residents had become wary of anything associated with the city and thought that we were there to just exploit what they told us and to not really help them. After a four month door to door interview process we came to the conclusion that when people experience an increased amount of disappointment that keeps happening to them, they become scared to trust. Through the study of law I hope to accomplish the equality that people have come to rely upon when they are in need of being represented by someone who is just and willing to look at both sides of the argument. people in government positions. I felt that helping disadvantaged people was my calling, and that I actually made a difference while working there with people and got them to see a more positive side of people they may have not liked right away.
Overall this internship was eye opening for me, and taught me a lot about the community that people have many negative perceptions about. I understand now that people have the power to change their destiny no matter what situations they are put in and that they are capable of anything they put their minds to.

sarahh
Posts: 610
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 2:36 pm

Re: 2nd Draft PS critique needed

Postby sarahh » Sat Oct 02, 2010 3:48 pm

The basic topic is okay, but I think you still need to work on it. Some of the sentences don't make much sense:
"I have been interested in what makes individual people think the way they do because everyone’s thoughts together make up a community."
Through the study of law I hope to accomplish the equality that people have come to rely upon when they are in need of being represented by someone who is just and willing to look at both sides of the argument. people in government positions.

What are "acres homes"?

There is some information that is not necessarily relevant, like "The same project was done a few years ago in another neighborhood in the city, and from the opinion of the people working in the community health sector of the city of Houston, the program was a success and they had made much advancement throughout the community benefiting the community residents."

Also, in regards to "As the days of my internship went on right up until the ending days, I think the greatest thing that I learned was that the more education that an individual attains in their lifetime, completely determines how they are going to live their life, and how exactly they will utilize their resources to better themselves and those around them. There were instances where I saw that people with less formal schooling had let their houses and themselves go to ruin waiting for the city to come help them financially. On the other hand people who had gone to college and gotten jobs even if they didn’t pay too much, had found a way to use what little compensation they received used it in a efficient way and maintained their households with whatever money they got from their jobs. The overall perception of people who went to get higher education past high school had a positive way of looking at the world and understanding that there was always a way of making things better for themselves no matter how hard things got." Make it shorter and adjust the conclusion. I don't think you can say education completely determines how people live their lives. Certainly it can have an effect though.

It may be helpful to explain what type of law you are interested in.

antonin
Posts: 130
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:44 pm

Re: 2nd Draft PS critique needed

Postby antonin » Sat Oct 02, 2010 6:18 pm

"As the days of my internship went on right up until the ending days, I think the greatest thing that I learned was that the more education that an individual attains in their lifetime, completely determines how they are going to live their life, and how exactly they will utilize their resources to better themselves and those around them. There were instances where I saw that people with less formal schooling had let their houses and themselves go to ruin waiting for the city to come help them financially. On the other hand people who had gone to college and gotten jobs even if they didn’t pay too much, had found a way to use what little compensation they received used it in a efficient way and maintained their households with whatever money they got from their jobs. The overall perception of people who went to get higher education past high school had a positive way of looking at the world and understanding that there was always a way of making things better for themselves no matter how hard things got."

This is horrible. It kind of shocks me. Stereotypes do not go well these days, even if the stereotypes are not based on gender/race. You cannot just say people without formal education let their houses go to ruin; and also imagine if one of the admissions people came from a family background without much formal education but has fond memories of his childhood. My grandparents did not have much formal education, but they sure do a better job than me keeping the house clean.

I would also like to add a few things.
You come up to easily to conclusions: Take it easy, you just did an internship, and now all of the sudden you have good sociological insights on education and house-keeping, as well as personal insights on what is your calling. If this is your calling be emotional and detailed about it, descriptive writing, not well first this and I leanred this, then that and I learned that.
This easy move to conclusions makes your essay seem shallow, as if the experience did not actually mean much to you, but is something that you thing you can "use."
In a way, I get the impression that you are a girl from The OC that meets people in areas not as unfortunate, gets a little bit disgusted, and comes up with wrong and not well-thought conclusions.




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