Personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mst
Posts: 925
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:01 am

Personal Statement

Postby mst » Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:40 am

Need some people to look over this personal statement 1st draft I just wrote up. It's kind of a weird one. I'm not looking for grammar or small changes but basically feedback as to whether I'm on the right track with this idea, or whether I should scrap it for another, more standard idea.

PM if interested, I'd really appreciate it.

NVM: I'm just going to post it and remove it in a couple days. Please don't quote it.

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Removed for application process. Thanks everyone for feedback.
Last edited by mst on Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

sarahh
Posts: 610
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 2:36 pm

Re: Personal Statement

Postby sarahh » Thu Sep 30, 2010 1:23 pm

I like the story with your uncle. But I think you could do a better job explaining why are interested in law school and what type of law you want to do. (In the last paragraph, I get the impression that you are interested in learning but not actually being a lawyer.) What do you mean by laws surrounding appreciation?

jarofsoup
Posts: 1951
Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:41 am

Re: Personal Statement

Postby jarofsoup » Thu Sep 30, 2010 1:33 pm

I like the concept with the breathing in and out. But it is ambitious, and if you do not do it properly it could hurt your statement.

Try to make sure you can read it and others can read it with out pausing, and understanding the shifts.

Its is a good idea. Make sure it is smooth and not chatty.

mst
Posts: 925
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:01 am

Re: Personal Statement

Postby mst » Thu Sep 30, 2010 2:13 pm

Thanks for the feedback.

Do you think there's too much idea hopping going on? I feel like I run through each thing so quick that they're all made a little pointless...

I'm just stuck on a ledge about doing something like this playing off the theme of appreciation and law, hopping through events... OR just picking one event and working off that in a more safe way.

I don't know.

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lennonist
Posts: 164
Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2010 9:38 pm

Re: Personal Statement

Postby lennonist » Thu Sep 30, 2010 2:27 pm

It's more poetic than it needs to be. You also make many ambiguous statements regarding the law, life, college. It's be more interesting for me as a reader to know concrete details of your experiences and lessons of how you evolved, instead of your musings on a certain breath you took (idea of which is a bit cheesy).

After reading this I still have no idea who you are because this could have been a movie or it could have happened to anyone. Work on adding intimacy and specifics (or maybe scraping this and starting anew). Good luck!

mst
Posts: 925
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:01 am

Re: Personal Statement

Postby mst » Thu Sep 30, 2010 2:30 pm

Thanks, that's what I was worried about. Figured I'd give this a shot for the hell of it to see if it stood out in a positive way.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 30, 2010 3:19 pm

Very creative & interesting, although I was caught off guard when you referred to the mugging experience as your "final" lesson of appreciation because it suggests that you are willing to stop growing. Same concern regarding your phrase "...and the life I led" as it hints that you are speaking from the grave.

mst
Posts: 925
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:01 am

Re: Personal Statement

Postby mst » Thu Sep 30, 2010 3:29 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:" as it hints that you are speaking from the grave.


I just laughed out loud in class, I tried covering it up as a sneeze or something but I'm pretty sure I didn't get away with it.

Are you saying I should keep the topic and tweak it or ditch it for a nice pleasant story about sitting in on a divorce mediation?




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