please critique my ps, i will be eternally grateful

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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please critique my ps, i will be eternally grateful

Postby ck3ku » Thu Sep 30, 2010 3:56 am

Last edited by ck3ku on Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:17 am, edited 4 times in total.

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Re: please critique my ps, i will be eternally grateful

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:49 am

You write well. This is an interesting essay that should help you in a cathartic way, but may not help your chances of law school admission. This essay focuses too much on your perception of your former boyfriend's psychological & emotional difficulties at the expense of getting to know you better while placing you in a cold-hearted light.
P.S. Please understand that I am not suggesting that you are cold-hearted, just that your essay is open to interpretions that include that view.

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Re: please critique my ps, i will be eternally grateful

Postby ck3ku » Thu Sep 30, 2010 10:24 am

I wrote this at 2 in the morning today because I couldn't sleep and it's like my fifth attempt at writing a personal statement. I don't know what to write, I just--UGH.

Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it.

jdslifjlsdjflkdsf. * sigh

EVERYONE: if you read this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me what you think

just drop a line, seriously.

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Re: please critique my ps, i will be eternally grateful

Postby fw22mk » Sat Oct 02, 2010 12:13 am


I'll try and be as honest as I can. That said, take my comments for what they are. If you get a chance, I'd love some feedback on my essay.

Consider how you open your essay. The introduction sets up this dynamic of leaving a familiar place for a new one. It won't strike anyone as original. That said, your tone there works well. But consider how valuable that spot is for setting up the entire essay. You want something that will pull the reader(s) in.

You have a few things going on here: Coming to America (and dealing with culture shock, racism, sexism, etc.), diagnosed anxiety, boyfriend, and the death of a grandparent. Then, you talk about the lack of finances for college and more or less put down community college. Then, I get a sense of your academic accomplishments. Quite frankly, you have too much in here and it's distracting. I don't stay with you long enough to get a sense of you or the impact.

Also consider the continuity of your essay. I actual felt like I was reading a complete history of your experiences. You, in fact, start with your family's immigration. That's not in itself wrong. But, I wasn't getting anything in particular about you. And this is a personal essay. What I mean to suggest is that some of these situations, themselves, are not unique. Your perspective and what you've learned from them are. That is, my understanding, part of what the adcomms are looking for.

Consider the overall tone of your essay.
My adolescence was a complete brouhaha and each obstacle was another hill I had to climb.

This line, for me, undermines and marginalizes those experiences. I'd focus on one issue.

Whether this pursuit would be through human rights, international or perhaps even tax law, I do not know but I am more than willing to find out.

Your ending doesn't seem like you really want to go to law school, or if you do, it comes across as trivial. Law school will be a commitment.

I'd suggest focusing on the experience in West Virginia. For me, you could still have a sentence in there that mentions first coming to America. You could also juxtapose that with the boyfriend issue, which, length wise, seems to be a larger issue here, as well as something you've overcome.

Coming from an environment with a significant Asian-American population, it was certainly a new territory. Suddenly I was marginalized and everywhere I looked, I faced hostility. During the remainder of my high school years, I was verbally, physically and sexually harassed and assaulted by my peers for my racial background, and since I had no one else to feel akin to, I became more dependent on my boyfriend emotionally.

You might consider starting with what I have quoted above. This shows adversity and dependency. Your conclusion might then focus on your independence in many ways such as graduating (and early), recognizing and leaving the situation with your ex-boyfriend, and deciding on law school. Perhaps you could discuss international and family law.

Best, M

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Re: please critique my ps, i will be eternally grateful

Postby AreJay711 » Sat Oct 02, 2010 12:51 am

The real issue with this, in my opinion, is that it should be a little more focused on one of the events. You have two separate strains. 1) you are adapting to a new culture (twice as it were) and 2) Dealing with you boyfriends attempted suicide. I think you should pick one.
You also need to show how you have grown, found new perspectives, or overcome those challenges.

You might want to focus on coming to America in a separate diversity statement if you can - please keep the part about white people looking the same to you at the airport. I would also advise against talking about your boyfriend just because it is something from high school and even though it shows that you have been through adversity, it is a little harder than some other things to see how you will apply that experience to law school.

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