PS Critique Please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
JMcLeod7
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 5:20 pm

PS Critique Please

Postby JMcLeod7 » Thu Sep 30, 2010 12:11 am

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Last edited by JMcLeod7 on Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

JMcLeod7
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 5:20 pm

Re: PS Critique Please

Postby JMcLeod7 » Thu Sep 30, 2010 8:25 pm

Any help would be amazing. Hopefully it's not too bad to comment on...

ck3ku
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:22 pm

Re: PS Critique Please

Postby ck3ku » Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:19 pm

i like the intro and the topic

however, there are some grammar errors that need to be fixed.

i think you should focus more on overcoming your adversity than the accident and your injuries since that's the main point. the conclusion needs to be rewritten--it's hackneyed and doesn't provide much insight as to WHY you think law is so important; you seem to merely scratch the surface with a generic statement.

with that said, i think this can be a great ps if you work on it more.

good luck :D

lmr
Posts: 252
Joined: Tue Sep 14, 2010 7:22 am

Re: PS Critique Please

Postby lmr » Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:45 pm

I'm going to be honest the first part had me really interested and until you got to the part about overcoming adversity and tying it to law. It was a bit anti-climactic and like the above poster said, it seems generic. I don't see why you need to tie it into law, I think you should focus more on how it built your character and changed your perspective versus how it made you want to be a lawyer.

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Smitten
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2010 5:23 pm

Re: PS Critique Please

Postby Smitten » Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:18 pm

I agree with lmr and ck3ku - the topic is really interesting and the beginning makes you pay attention, but after that it sort of loses focus...

I also think that your description of the accident could be more vivid - I felt a bit like my understanding of events was foggy, and my mental images were half-formed. Then again, that's probably how you felt at that time too!

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Critique Please

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:29 pm

With a partially torn PCL, a bone chip & cuts and bruises, how did you emerge from the accident wholly unscathed ?
What could have "potentially" been a very bad event ??? You were handicapped during your long period of rehabilitation.

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AreJay711
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Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:51 pm

Re: PS Critique Please

Postby AreJay711 » Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:34 pm

I think the first two paragraphs are really good (except for the wholly unscathed). I was a little confused by " XXXXXXX XXXXXXX and XXXXXXXXX XXXXX made a similar decision." - in what way? I want to hear more about the struggles you had to face. You said you had to face them but what were they? Was it the physical things, the emotional issues, did you know the two people? And there is no need to tie the essay to law. The ability to overcome adversity is applicable to any situation.

JMcLeod7
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 5:20 pm

Re: PS Critique Please

Postby JMcLeod7 » Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:50 am

Thanks for the replies. I'll work on it and post a revised copy when I can.




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