NEW PS Please Comment

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

NEW PS Please Comment

Postby sergeantpzr » Tue Sep 28, 2010 6:34 pm

Thanks for the comments friends
Last edited by sergeantpzr on Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

glacierfrost
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2008 8:58 pm

Re: NEW PS Please Comment

Postby glacierfrost » Wed Sep 29, 2010 1:16 am

I enjoyed reading it and thought it was well written. I think it can be even better if you expand the thoughts in your last paragraph where you make the connection with your interest in law. The way it is now, I feel it is kind of abrupt when it ends.

Also, I think it is spelled Glenn Beck.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: NEW PS Please Comment

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 29, 2010 9:18 am

(The comment below was written before the revised version appeared above.)
This is not well crafted nor is your essay persuasive. You need a better flow which can be accomplished by presenting your theme in a clear & concise manner in the opening paragraph. This writing unintentionally shows a lack of maturity & insight. The conclusion is terrible & reveals an insufficient understanding of law & the real world. The overall impression created by this writing is that you do not respect nor appreciate the opinions of others. It is not surprising that a conservative professor & author would endure difficulties & criticism publishing a conservative work in a liberal environment. Trashing your employer & his work product in an unsubstantiated fashion is unlikely to help your law school applications. This is an example of a personal statement that is likely to harm your chances of admission to law schools.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Wed Sep 29, 2010 5:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: NEW PS Please Comment

Postby sergeantpzr » Wed Sep 29, 2010 5:44 pm

Thanks for the comments. I have edited the essay and replaced it above. If anyone else has comments I would appreciate it- I would also swap gladly!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: NEW PS Please Comment

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 29, 2010 5:55 pm

Your revised version is much better, but a bit too wordy. For example, consider "Although personally biased..." DELETE: "...I was".
DELETE: "...from the way he taught the politically charged class;" and replace that phrase with the word "since".
DELETE: "...to an unrepresentative degree of our country."

Readers are unlikely to accept your assertion that you were asked to edit a professor's work based on your personal statement writing. Probably better to write that you were asked to do a fact check of a draft.
The fifth paragraph (UCLA crap study paragraph) is without merit & presents you in a very bad light.
Overall your theme is presented in a weak & unconvincing manner lacking in true insight.

P.S. Arguments are rarely, if ever, "based on facts". If this were true, then why argue ? Arguments are usually, but not always, supported by facts.

sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: NEW PS Please Comment

Postby sergeantpzr » Wed Sep 29, 2010 6:40 pm

Hey Canadian,

Thanks for your comments, they are very helpful. Could you please explain how the UCLA crap study paragraph presents me in a bad light? Do I come across as overzealous? I could see that. Do I come off critical of my professor? I do not mean to write that at all- rather, the opposite.

I actually got the line about googling from an anecdote within the book itself, maybe it seems like I am giving my own opinion on the study. In reality I admire the work he did. Hearing what I believe was undue criticism that attacked his views and dismissed his results without considering the soundness (I believe) of his methods motivated me to work harder for him. Perhaps that is not clear and I should fix it. Thanks again.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: NEW PS Please Comment

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:51 pm

Why is that sentence even part of your personal statement ? The only purpose that I can imagine is to denigrate the professor's work & to show superiority. Consider deleting that entire paragraph as it adds nothing. This is a poorly constructed piece that should not be shown to law schools if you hope to gain admission. This isn't really a personal statement, in my opinion.




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