PS - Rip it apart plz

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
WhackUsername
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PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby WhackUsername » Mon Sep 27, 2010 6:15 pm

Edit: Thanks for the help. I can see I have a long way to go.
Last edited by WhackUsername on Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Sep 27, 2010 6:32 pm

Somewhat oddly, philosophy majors produce the least persuasive & most meandering personal statements on this website. Essentially your essay is three paragraphs of material stated in six paragraphs. Very little insight is offered & your writing lacks structure & lacks a well thought out theme.

ARTfulDodger
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby ARTfulDodger » Mon Sep 27, 2010 6:36 pm

You lost me after the first couple of sentences. It seems way to wordy to me, from what I have read so far. Also, how long is this?

bjc314
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby bjc314 » Mon Sep 27, 2010 6:37 pm

The introduction is great and you write well, but this doesn't really say much about you. Your grandmother and uncle disagree, you're interested in the subject, you read a few books, took a philosophy course: who cares? I feel that you must have a position on the issue and that you're deliberately trying to remain neutral in the PS. Why not take a position? It would give the statement more force. Also, leave out the "deontological" "utilitarian" ; it sounds as if you're trying too hard to come off as an intellectual.

ARTfulDodger
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby ARTfulDodger » Mon Sep 27, 2010 6:41 pm

bjc314 wrote:The introduction is great and you write well, but this doesn't really say much about you. Your grandmother and uncle disagree, you're interested in the subject, you read a few books, took a philosophy course: who cares? I feel that you must have a position on the issue and that you're deliberately trying to remain neutral in the PS. Why not take a position? It would give the statement more force. [b]Also, leave out the "deontological" "utilitarian" ; it sounds as if you're trying too hard to come off as an intellectual[/b].


This.

WhackUsername
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby WhackUsername » Mon Sep 27, 2010 6:54 pm

.
Last edited by WhackUsername on Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:00 pm

I disagree. The introduction is not well done & that may be the root of the problem. Your writing skills, as presented, are average.

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lennonist
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby lennonist » Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:05 pm

WhackUsername wrote:
ARTfulDodger wrote:You lost me after the first couple of sentences. It seems way to wordy to me, from what I have read so far. Also, how long is this?


About three pages, double spaced.

bjc314 wrote:The introduction is great and you write well, but this doesn't really say much about you. Your grandmother and uncle disagree, you're interested in the subject, you read a few books, took a philosophy course: who cares? I feel that you must have a position on the issue and that you're deliberately trying to remain neutral in the PS. Why not take a position? It would give the statement more force. Also, leave out the "deontological" "utilitarian" ; it sounds as if you're trying too hard to come off as an intellectual.


Thanks for the input. I definitely have a position on the issue but don't want to come off as too ideological (especially since labor issues seem to be inherently polarizing).

Thanks again.


1) I disagree with the notion that conservatives should move to the centre when liberal bias is dominant (university/grad school admissions). In fact, most admission officers say that they WANT to see you be passionate about your viewpoint, and they want to read someone if they are ideological...in their own UNIQUE way (sans cliches and ambiguities). For instance, I think objectivism is garbage, yet I would respect your opinion more if you explained it, as opposed to name-dropping that you devoured Atlas Shrugged and Grapes of Wrath because the sole fact that you enjoyed it does not mean anything about your actual viewpoint upon labour relations. Simply put, be yourself, be down-to-earth, and specific. A specific PS, albeit, the one an admissions officer may not necessary agree with is better than a general PS that avoids the heart of the issue - namely your opinion on a subject.

2) Also, I know this is hard, esp if you enjoy creative writing, use less adjectives and more verbs.
3) The intro is not catchy enough
4) Everyone and their mom will use "as i sat in blah blah blah....I pondered blah blah blah". Avoid "as i" - it is overused.

WhackUsername
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby WhackUsername » Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:09 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:I disagree. The introduction is not well done & that may be the root of the problem. Your writing skills, as presented, are average.


Would it be possible for you to send me a PM with your criticisms more fully spelled out?

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:14 pm

Your essay lacks a well thought out, refined theme. The introductory paragraph is all over the place. The reader doesn't know what to expect. It is difficult to offer specifics because this is only a very rough pre-first draft without a theme. This is not really a personal statement because it isn't about you. I'm sorry but there really isn't much to work with here.

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philosoraptor
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby philosoraptor » Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:40 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Your essay lacks a well thought out, refined theme. The introductory paragraph is all over the place. The reader doesn't know what to expect. It is difficult to offer specifics because this is only a very rough pre-first draft without a theme. This is not really a personal statement because it isn't about you. I'm sorry but there really isn't much to work with here.
I'll add to this. OP, you're portraying yourself as just a spectator, watching everything happen around you. The only things this PS says about you are: (1) You're from Flint, (2) you enjoy listening to other people talk about Flint, and (3) you occasionally read books. Does any of this make you a noteworthy law school applicant, or even an interesting person?

As much as we'd love to hear your musings about what the working class should be afforded (seriously, this phrase, plus the insight about how mystified you are that a mere job means a lot to the wretched plebes, sets off the douche alarm), you don't really seem to know much besides a few big words and historical events. Are you going to sit there passively in law school and in practice, casually note what's going on in the world, read an article about globalization, and be done with it, or are you actively going to engage with the issues that you say excite you? If you haven't started doing so already, no adcomm is going to take you seriously -- regardless of what books you've read. Get out there and do something, then write an actual PS.

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abarrios
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby abarrios » Wed Sep 29, 2010 11:27 am

Somewhat oddly, philosophy majors produce the least persuasive & most meandering personal statements on this website. Essentially your essay is three paragraphs of material stated in six paragraphs. Very little insight is offered & your writing lacks structure & lacks a well thought out theme.

Wierd. I majored in philosophy also and I am having one hell of a time trying to write a decent PS. I think it's because the type of writing we do is completely different than the style of writing a PS requires. I haven't written anything remotely like a PS in awhile.

Good luck with your PS WhackUsername.

ARTfulDodger
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Re: PS - Rip it apart plz

Postby ARTfulDodger » Thu Sep 30, 2010 8:11 am

abarrios wrote:Somewhat oddly, philosophy majors produce the least persuasive & most meandering personal statements on this website. Essentially your essay is three paragraphs of material stated in six paragraphs. Very little insight is offered & your writing lacks structure & lacks a well thought out theme.

Wierd. I majored in philosophy also and I am having one hell of a time trying to write a decent PS. I think it's because the type of writing we do is completely different than the style of writing a PS requires. I haven't written anything remotely like a PS in awhile.

Good luck with your PS WhackUsername.


+1. I'm also a Philosophy major and struggling with a PS.




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