Feedback on first draft?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
adampres
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2010 9:48 pm

Feedback on first draft?

Postby adampres » Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:05 pm

PM if interested.
Last edited by adampres on Fri Nov 25, 2011 10:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

adampres
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2010 9:48 pm

Re: Hoping for your feedback on my first draft

Postby adampres » Tue Sep 21, 2010 10:18 pm

No feedback? I could use some help...

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Feedback on first draft?

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Sep 21, 2010 10:24 pm

Your essay works. I found it interesting & sincere.

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Kchuck
Posts: 188
Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 1:49 am

Re: Feedback on first draft?

Postby Kchuck » Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:05 am

I liked it.

This may be one of the most compelling PS I have read on here.

kayljsh
Posts: 45
Joined: Sun May 23, 2010 3:11 pm

Re: Feedback on first draft?

Postby kayljsh » Wed Sep 22, 2010 2:21 pm

I would agree with what most others have said, I thought this was very sincere/honest.

I have a few thoughts about the writing:

adampres wrote:One day in the winter of 2007 I realized I was living on the most remote island in the Continental United States. The rolling plains of Northern Montana are as vast as mid-ocean, and right in the middle is the tiny Rocky Boys Indian Reservation, home to a few Chippewa and Cree. My resolve was tested and forged as a missionary on that Reservation, running from man-eating Rottweilers as I went door- to- door trying to share a message of faith with people who often had no interest, a journey occasionally intensified by trekking through blizzards out on the plains.


I thought this was a little bit confusing. I do understand the island, even though you're surrounded by land analogy, but it took me at least two reads to get it. I think the opening could be more powerful. I almost like it if you just begin with "the rolling plains"

adampres wrote: Beyond the beasts and the snow, being on the reservation opened my eyes to a world entirely new to me—a distinct cultural island, far removed from the traffic and routines of what was previously the only life I had known.


I'm not totally sure if "beyond" is quite right here.

adampres wrote:
While working with a sociolinguistics professor who specialized in legal language, I developed a working relationship with a district judge who shared a similar interest.


I'd try to not have the same word so close together.

adampres wrote: Having had such formative experiences with the people on the reservation and in Namibia enhanced my perspective to empathize with the people we studied and made me passionate about having positive changes come from our work.


I'm not sure that you can say "enhanced my perspective to empathize". Something like "enhanced my ability to empathize" or "gave me the perspective to empathize."


I hope this helps you some!

adampres
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2010 9:48 pm

Re: Feedback on first draft?

Postby adampres » Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:28 pm

Thanks for the positive words, guys. Kayljsh, thanks especially for the thoughtful critique. I will probably incorporate all of your suggestions.
Other questions:
1) Should I just remove the first sentence? Is the second catchy enough to anchor the reader on its own?

2) How does this section feel? Helpful and appropriate or sterile and wordy?

adampres wrote:. For example, in our research we pointed out that a person with limited English proficiency may fake comprehension and acquiesce to figures in authority, but this can have disastrous results. However, if an attorney had read our work, he or she would be aware of this possibility and take measures to ensure that comprehension was genuine. In such an instance, our work would help preserve the fairness of the justice system, which could make all the difference in the world.


Thanks again.




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