Personal statement - my first draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
lawwmn2
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Sep 20, 2010 11:44 pm

Personal statement - my first draft

Postby lawwmn2 » Mon Sep 20, 2010 11:56 pm

Please feel free to review and offer advice. Thanks

It is the experiences of individuals that inspire and give purpose to law. Elements of my personal experience have solidified my decision to go to law school.
My last class of the day took place in a windowless room filled with fluorescent lighting. It had been my practice to arrive just a few minutes before class. This particular day I arrived ten minutes early. As I entered the room, I noticed two men standing with a ladder positioned next to about the fifth row of chairs while another was positioned at the front of the class. They were working with the wiring in the ceiling. Already sated in the front, one of my classmates had arrived even before me. Without thinking, I took a seat which happened to be a few seats away from the men with the ladder. Pulling the previous night’s reading assignment from my bag, I began reviewing the pages before class. I glanced up at the gaping hole in the ceiling formed by the title that had been removed to make space for the worker holding the ladder.
I had just begun to tune out any minor distractions when I heard, “actually I’d like to sit next to that pretty little girl right there.” My concentration was broken and my immediate response was to glare at the man who made the comment. I noticed him staring at me with a grin on his face displaying his pleasure with himself. I was at a loss for words, so my glare acted as my mouth piece to express anything but pleasure about his actions. Turning back to my reading, I made an effort to pull myself together. I quickly discovered that any attempt to refocus was impossible. I wondered if perhaps my attire was the motivation for the comment. Immediately I became incredibly concerned about the top that I wore. It was a cream and gold, 3 quarter length sweater that tied at the back of the neck. There was a small opening at the front of the sweater which now seemed much bigger. I was especially concerned at the fact that the worker was standing on a ladder not far from where I was sitting. Was he peering down my shirt? Bombarded with such thoughts, I stood and took a seat at the other end of the row and vigorously put on my jacket. This was my silent protest!
My feelings went from shame to disgust as I thought more about the fact that this individual was considerably older then I was which has always been a personal turn-off. He was also so filthy, as if he were a human filth magnet attracting all the dust from the day. More importantly he was on the job, not personal time. This was hardly an appropriate time to be making passes at anyone. He single handedly made me feel as though I had just walked past a construction site. My personal space had been violated by the stranger’s heckling.
Distracted by the situation, I found it difficult to focus in-class. This only irritated me even more because now the stranger had affected me to the point of disrupting my education. After class I, brought the issue to the attention of my classmates and to my relief they supported and sympathized with my feelings about the matter. Refusing to simply drop the issue, I approached my professor with some of my fellow classmates surrounding me. I was specifically seeking direction on how to address the issue and seek justice for the disrespect I was shown. My professor directed me to an office where maintenance workers checked in from time to time. I explained the incident to the woman at the front desk who instructed m to file a grievance report in detail so that they could address the matter.
Each step I took towards seeking justice for myself increased my self esteem and sense of empowerment. My decision to do more then leave the scene of the crime, the support I received from my classmates after they saw that I was determined to defend myself, and the fact that there was way for me to address the situation are elements that have fueled my passion for law and remain my motivation for seeking a legal education.
Sayings like “you reap what you sow” and “what goes around comes around” are both among commonly used phrases which imply that we must all be held accountable for our actions. Although my initial response was to evaluate what I may have done to motivate the stranger’s actions, it was not my responsibility to make him control himself. We all make choices everyday; no matter what I was wearing, he would have made the comment. Whatever happened to integrity and self-control? It is not my responsibility to make anyone display these characteristics. However, I am responsible for taking action to defend myself when I am violated. It is my firm belief that our laws are inspired our experiences and our decision take a stand when we feel our human rights have been violated. My experience and passion to be empowered and to empower others will make me an excellent addition to your institution.

DanInALionsDen
Posts: 296
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2009 1:00 am

Re: Personal statement - my first draft

Postby DanInALionsDen » Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:21 am

lawwmn2 wrote:Please feel free to review and offer advice. Thanks

It is the experiences of individuals that inspire and give purpose to law. Elements of my personal experience have solidified my decision to go to law school.
My last class of the day took place in a windowless room filled with fluorescent lighting. It had been my practice to arrive just a few minutes before class. This particular day I arrived ten minutes early. As I entered the room, I noticed two men standing with a ladder positioned next to about the fifth row of chairs while another was positioned at the front of the class. They were working with the wiring in the ceiling. Already sated in the front, one of my classmates had arrived even before me. Without thinking, I took a seat which happened to be a few seats away from the men with the ladder. Pulling the previous night’s reading assignment from my bag, I began reviewing the pages before class. I glanced up at the gaping hole in the ceiling formed by the title that had been removed to make space for the worker holding the ladder.
I had just begun to tune out any minor distractions when I heard, “actually I’d like to sit next to that pretty little girl right there.” My concentration was broken and my immediate response was to glare at the man who made the comment. I noticed him staring at me with a grin on his face displaying his pleasure with himself. I was at a loss for words, so my glare acted as my mouth piece to express anything but pleasure about his actions. Turning back to my reading, I made an effort to pull myself together. I quickly discovered that any attempt to refocus was impossible. I wondered if perhaps my attire was the motivation for the comment. Immediately I became incredibly concerned about the top that I wore. It was a cream and gold, 3 quarter length sweater that tied at the back of the neck. There was a small opening at the front of the sweater which now seemed much bigger. I was especially concerned at the fact that the worker was standing on a ladder not far from where I was sitting. Was he peering down my shirt? Bombarded with such thoughts, I stood and took a seat at the other end of the row and vigorously put on my jacket. This was my silent protest!
My feelings went from shame to disgust as I thought more about the fact that this individual was considerably older then I was which has always been a personal turn-off. He was also so filthy, as if he were a human filth magnet attracting all the dust from the day. More importantly he was on the job, not personal time. This was hardly an appropriate time to be making passes at anyone. He single handedly made me feel as though I had just walked past a construction site. My personal space had been violated by the stranger’s heckling.
Distracted by the situation, I found it difficult to focus in-class. This only irritated me even more because now the stranger had affected me to the point of disrupting my education. After class I, brought the issue to the attention of my classmates and to my relief they supported and sympathized with my feelings about the matter. Refusing to simply drop the issue, I approached my professor with some of my fellow classmates surrounding me. I was specifically seeking direction on how to address the issue and seek justice for the disrespect I was shown. My professor directed me to an office where maintenance workers checked in from time to time. I explained the incident to the woman at the front desk who instructed m to file a grievance report in detail so that they could address the matter.
Each step I took towards seeking justice for myself increased my self esteem and sense of empowerment. My decision to do more then leave the scene of the crime, the support I received from my classmates after they saw that I was determined to defend myself, and the fact that there was way for me to address the situation are elements that have fueled my passion for law and remain my motivation for seeking a legal education.
Sayings like “you reap what you sow” and “what goes around comes around” are both among commonly used phrases which imply that we must all be held accountable for our actions. Although my initial response was to evaluate what I may have done to motivate the stranger’s actions, it was not my responsibility to make him control himself. We all make choices everyday; no matter what I was wearing, he would have made the comment. Whatever happened to integrity and self-control? It is not my responsibility to make anyone display these characteristics. However, I am responsible for taking action to defend myself when I am violated. It is my firm belief that our laws are inspired our experiences and our decision take a stand when we feel our human rights have been violated. My experience and passion to be empowered and to empower others will make me an excellent addition to your institution.


I can't be sure that this is even real since you only have one post, but I'm bored with my torts reading right now, so I'll assume it's legit.

I wouldn't begin with a blanket statement of what gives purpose to the law. This personal statement will be read by admissions committees of lawyers and scholars. They don't want to be lectured by an undergrad student.

Beyond that, I don't think you come off well in this personal statement. Your disgust at the "come on" seems to be rooted not in the fact that it was unsolicited, but rather in who it came from. More specifically, you seem to care mostly because this repair man was older and "filthy." Would you have taken issue with the advance if it had come from a hot guy? If not then you don't have a strong moral stance here. Moreover, your description of the man as filthy seems condescending. His profession involves manual labor, and here you are, a college student in your "cream and gold, 3 quarter length sweater that tied at the back of the neck" critiquing his cleanliness.

Either way, I don't think that this is a strong enough story to explain why you belong in law school. Reduced to its factual points your personal statement says:

"Once a guy hit on my and I didn't like. I went through a process to get him in trouble which made me feel empowered. Now I want to be a lawyer."

Is this really what your interest in the field of law hinges on: The feeling of satisfaction you attained by reporting some guy who gave you a compliment that made you feel uncomfortable? I'd rethink it.

shoop
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:52 pm

Re: Personal statement - my first draft

Postby shoop » Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:36 pm

So your reason for wanting to go to law school is that you aren't interested in being complimented--albeit somewhat impolitely--by older men who are a little rough around the edges? Should I write my essay about my lack of interest in chocolate ice cream?

You're probably one of those girls who runs to the campus women's center in tears to report a "mini-rape" if someone whistles at you when you're walking to class dressed like a total skank. Also, every single bus, sidewalk, and Walmart aisle in America has been the "scene of [a] crime" by your comically loose definition. Have fun in the real world, pumpkin.




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