PS. Basic Version. Please review

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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eliekedourie
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PS. Basic Version. Please review

Postby eliekedourie » Sat Sep 18, 2010 4:25 pm

.......
Last edited by eliekedourie on Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:50 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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eliekedourie
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Re: PS. Basic Version. Please review

Postby eliekedourie » Sun Sep 19, 2010 1:12 am

Anyone?

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eliekedourie
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Re: PS. Basic Version. Please review

Postby eliekedourie » Sun Sep 19, 2010 10:32 pm

Nothing?

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eliekedourie
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Re: PS. Basic Version. Please review

Postby eliekedourie » Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:19 pm

Bump.

Any thoughts at all? Not looking for it to be gone through with a fine toothed comb. Just want to know how it reads to someone else.

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SullaFelix
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Re: PS. Basic Version. Please review

Postby SullaFelix » Tue Sep 21, 2010 7:06 pm

eliekedourie wrote:Here is my basic PS. This is one sentence too long for UCLA, the school with the tightest length requirements. I will augment this essay as much as the length requirements of other schools will allow.

Please let me know what you think about the basic theme and writing style. I've redacted identifying information.

PS:

On a December afternoon in [YEAR], I sat at a small table facing the widow of a man who had been shot to death by [LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY] officers two weeks earlier. She remained composed until the conclusion of our interview when she implored me to find out why her husband had been killed. While the particulars of this situation were unique, and the gravity of the woman’s request weighed on me heavily, it was for me, a not altogether foreign situation. At that time, I had been an investigator for [OVERSIGHT AGENCY] for two and a half years. What she was asking me to do was and is, my job. I am responsible for investigating allegations of misconduct made against members of the [LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY]. I determine fact patterns and, utilizing relevant [LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY] procedures and case law, conclude whether or not officers’ actions constitute misconduct. My professional responsibilities and the experiences I’ve had at the [OVERSIGHT AGENCY] have significantly deepened and strengthened my commitment to public service within the criminal justice system .

I first came into contact with the criminal justice system during my senior year of college when my work with [EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM] took me to [STATE PRISON]. I provided weekly tutoring and writing assistance to inmates enrolled at [COLLEGE] through the program. After many weeks of working with these men, the true value of the program became apparent to me. By providing a means by which these men could improve their chances at successful re-integration into society upon their release, and by enabling them to act as positive influences in their families, the program sought to reduce recidivism and counter the negative consequences their incarcerations had on their lives and those of their families. I took great pleasure in the knowledge that my efforts could contribute to the prevention or reduction of future suffering. With graduation approaching, I sought out work that could provide me with the opportunity to provide a service with tangible benefits to society.

I have found this opportunity at the [OVERSIGHT AGENCY]. By providing [CITY RESIDENTS] who feel that they have been victims of police misconduct with a means of recourse, the agency improves the [LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY]’s effectiveness by encouraging oversight of its officers and improving its relations with the communities in which it operates. Through our rigorous oversight and the facilitation of mediations between complainants and officers, we foster a spirit of greater cooperation between the [LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY] and the people they are charged with protecting.

The agency can only realize its potential if the investigative staff upholds its responsibility to be efficient and impartial finders of fact. I remained cognizant of this responsibility that December afternoon as I led the widow out of the interview room. I took care to remind her that I was not an advocate, and that my role was simply to determine whether or not the officers’ actions constituted misconduct. I remained aware that in addition to the woman’s very real suffering, the officers who took her husband’s life were very likely suffering as well. I had interviewed hundreds of officers by this point in my tenure, and I was aware of the heavy emotional toll experienced by officers involved in such incidents. While I was obligated to bring to light any misconduct if it occurred, I also knew that the officers’ actions, if justified, needed to be recognized as such by our agency.

Instead of tempering my enthusiasm, the three and a half years I have spent working for the [MAJOR AMERICAN CITY] have only increased my desire to continue to work within the criminal justice system. I look forward to bringing this commitment, and the balance and maturity I have gained during my unique professional experience, to the [Law School] classroom.

Thoughts?


Have someone give you a quick tutorial on proper comma use.

kayljsh
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Re: PS. Basic Version. Please review

Postby kayljsh » Tue Sep 21, 2010 7:29 pm

I think the lack of replies is a little bit indicative of your statement.

It's not horrible- no one is jumping in here tearing it apart, it doesn't make you seem like an awful person, it's relatively well written. But at the same time it's not amazing - I don't really feel like I know that much about you, much more about the agency/program that you worked for. Generally I would't say I find it particularly compelling, overall I don't think it'll help or hurt you. Its kind of neutral?

Sorry that I don't have more helpful thoughts about.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS. Basic Version. Please review

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Sep 21, 2010 9:37 pm

Reads like a police report or a memo from a stern military officer. Lacks warmth, humility & vulnerability. May work if you emphasize that you want to become a prosecutor as your writing style is more factual than persuasive.

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eliekedourie
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Re: PS. Basic Version. Please review

Postby eliekedourie » Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:50 pm

Thanks for your responses. Going back in.




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