(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
clair de lune

Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2010 1:57 pm


Postby clair de lune » Sat Sep 18, 2010 2:25 pm

Here is a very rough draft of my PS. Of course, I'm trying to fit in everything about myself and I'm not sure if I seem incredibly scatter brained. The most important things I want to touch on are my family's bond, literature and my participation in disability rights activism... In all of this I want to convey how it has led me to want to purse something in the legal world. Let me know what you think! Btw, this is really rough... haven't done any grammar checking at all. Any suggestions would be helpful :)

“My only hope, said Darcy, is that you will see me more clear in the future.” At sixteen, the words of Jane Austen rolled of my tongue too slow for my heart’s liking. Literature was guiding me into my favorite world, one held back by nothing and free to dream abundantly. In novels, I participated in lives and stories that were filled with love and angst and everything in between. I found that Darcy’s goal was mine as well; to live in a life that is seen clearly and truly understood. It is only now, after many lessons that I understand the clarity of my own life and what I am made of. I am a loving daughter, a loyal Hispanic to my family and community and an ambitious student and activist for the intellectually disabled community. Through these experiences I have developed a vibrant passion for the law, a desire to protect what is right and to always stay strong despite the obstacles life brings. I now see that the balance of a life led by soaring dreams, quiet strength and a mind unwilling to relent finds itself welcoming the calming clarity I, and Darcy, also wanted.
My life has presented me with many situations in which the resolution didn’t always seem so clear. I was raised by a hippie girl from Georgia and a first generation Colombian-American – a mix that has helped in molding my perspective of the world. From a young age, my mom fed me wisdom and cultivated my desire to dream. My dad, on the other hand, gave me very different gifts. I was four when my dad picked me up from school one day and whispered in my ear that my mom was sick. From this moment on, my dad alone showed me the power of tenacity. His strength alone guided my family through and out of the most trying time of our lives. I wouldn’t know the extent of this illness until much later, for their shielding love kept me at bay; but as I watched my mom get weaker I knew that this would be a hard fight for her to win. The summer before third grade, four years later, my mom lost her fight against brain cancer. With quiet strength and a calm soul, my dad guided me through childhood and adolescence. Before Jane Austen’s words ever gave me hope as a teen, my dad showed me first the power of tenacity.

This, I would go on to see, is the one of the most powerful tools my dad has ever gifted me with. Through his actions and those of my surrounding family, I realize the power and comfort a sense of belonging can have. Before my dad could ever raise me in the United States, my grandma first had to be strong enough to pack her bags, take a flight and land in a strange country alone not knowing a word of English. If my grandma’s strength could push her to do this, and if my dad’s could push him through my mother’s death, my strength could push me to live a life that is dedicated to pursing goals worth giving every bit of myself to. Through this emotion, my sense of pride and a desire to protect others flourished. Thankfully, in college I was able to find a group that let me live out these interests.

During my time at the University of..., one of the most rewarding experiences I have had is being part of Best Buddies, a non-profit organization that works with people who have intellectual disabilities. Through developing a friendship with my “buddy” Jackie, I learned patience and witnessed a vivaciousness I had not known before. Being the Vice-President of the organization, monitoring over three hundred members and planning a campus-wide fundraising event is a time-consuming, wonderful job. I know that it is in the events that make me most tired and stretch my limits that I come out finding a purpose, a passion for what I am doing and a desire to continue. Spreading advocacy for individuals with disabilities is a life long story that I never want to end. As a lawyer and a member of our global community I hope to constantly be a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves, so that everyone’s story may be heard.

Stories are indeed what life is made of. Mine has been molded by my parents' lives and their dreams for my own. My love of literature and writing and the cultural dynamics I have witnessed constantly evolving in my own life, have given me the desire to put my actions and mind into the law; for it is in this area that I find all the emotions I want in my life. It presents me with situations that puzzle and perplex me, that cause me to question my (stances - (eh, don't like that word)) and to, in the end, feel assured that I am walking the right path in my life. Jane Austen planted the desire of clarity in my mind and my dad showed me the tools needed to reach it but now as I see, my story is mine and the clarity was written in from the beginning.


Posts: 39
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 1:52 am


Postby hotshot234512 » Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:30 pm

I like this personal statement and think it has great potential. A few thoughts: Just reading through it you use the word "power/powerful" too much find something to mix with it (I know you use strength sometimes, but still remove more powers). I think bringing your grandmother into the PS is too short to use and not necessary without adding more it adds little. I would drop it. The last sentence might be clear to you, but to me it is not, "but now as I see, my story is mine and the clarity was written in from the beginning". What clarity was written in the beginning? who wrote it? Didn't you have to evolve to reach a point of clarity?
That being said I think the PS is good and can get even better.

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