PS Final, Please peek at it :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Barbie
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PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby Barbie » Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:27 pm

Hey guys-- I've posted my PS a few times, but I fear now that I have over-edited! I have changed SO much, and everytime I read it I alter things out of fear. I'm afraid I have put myself into a bad place :( Please comment and let me know what you think!! I'm hoping this to be nearly the final FINAL draft.

PS
Last edited by Barbie on Sun Sep 19, 2010 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

4102011
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby 4102011 » Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:33 pm

In the last paragraph, "My family has felt the repercussions of extreme financial burden due to unpredictable circumstances."

But you are awesome, and so is your PS <3

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lzyovrachievr
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby lzyovrachievr » Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:25 pm

If you wanted to, in this section:

Instead, I have found ways to utilize my situation to inspire both myself and others. I have given speeches on behalf of the American Cancer Society at local high schools to raise money and spread the awareness of cancer......... More than ever, I now strive to succeed and achieve my goals, and more importantly, I now have complete faith in myself to do so.


You could add in something about how it inspired you to put more work into classes, research, or something related because you wanted to develop yourself and your skills that way as well -- assuming that is true.

I mean, this experience helped drive you to spend 3 more years in school, right? And if you have complete faith in yourself to achieve this goal, you could legitimately add in a sentence about how it inspired you academically as well as compassionately and created a passion to learn about ___ law.

Just a couple thoughts. :D Feel free to ignore them. As I said before, I like it as it is now, but if you want to add a small academic touch, those kind of things could work.

ETA: I wouldn't necessarily use the wording "it created a passion" in the PS, lol.

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Dany
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby Dany » Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:37 pm

:D
Last edited by Dany on Sun Sep 19, 2010 6:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Barbie
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby Barbie » Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:42 pm

Thanks for the comments :) they are really helpful!!!

Eskimo- I completely agree with all of your edits. I have no idea what to replace the red sentence with though :( any suggestions or ideas?

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Dany
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby Dany » Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:49 pm

Barbie wrote:Thanks for the comments :) they are really helpful!!!

Eskimo- I completely agree with all of your edits. I have no idea what to replace the red sentence with though :( any suggestions or ideas?

Oooooh, I just had an idea! What if you left it, but then said "The presence of this cancerous clump has altered my life unexpectedly, but not in the way my loved ones feared." You could use that sentence to show that yes, it changed your life, but it made you braver and unafraid to reach your goals. You didn't let it destroy your life. Then, in the next sentence, add "I was scared, of course, but I..."

What about something like that?

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Barbie
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby Barbie » Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:53 pm

eskimo wrote:
Barbie wrote:Thanks for the comments :) they are really helpful!!!

Eskimo- I completely agree with all of your edits. I have no idea what to replace the red sentence with though :( any suggestions or ideas?

Oooooh, I just had an idea! What if you left it, but then said "The presence of this cancerous clump has altered my life unexpectedly, but not in the way my loved ones feared." You could use that sentence to show that yes, it changed your life, but it made you braver and unafraid to reach your goals. You didn't let it destroy your life. Then, in the next sentence, add "I was scared, of course, but I..."

What about something like that?


That could def work to tie it in more.

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Dany
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby Dany » Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:55 pm

Yay. Also, this is like the Barbie - ESKIMO chat thread now. lol

I posted my own name the first time... haha

XtraordinaryMachine
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby XtraordinaryMachine » Thu Sep 16, 2010 3:08 am

Phenomenal PS---Inspiring, Genuine, and Great Transitions.

I wish you the best of luck!! :)

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arism87
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby arism87 » Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:01 am

So I randomly scan statements on this regularly just for kicks and almost never read past the first sentence or comment-- finished yours entirely. I LOVE it, it's captivating, and you are inspiring!

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Final, Please peek at it :)

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 16, 2010 3:25 pm

Add two tos. "...they took the time to listen to and to...".

CHANGE: "impact" to "impacting my life."

This is an excellent personal statement. Well written, energetic & optimistic.




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