Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
eastofeden
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Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:30 pm

Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby eastofeden » Wed Sep 15, 2010 5:38 am

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Last edited by eastofeden on Thu Sep 16, 2010 8:41 am, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 15, 2010 7:49 am

This is not well written. Both the first & last sentences are weak. Reads as if both your father & mother abandoned three children under the age of five, although your mother returned each night. Not sure if your circumstances justify writing a "diversity" statement.
Reread your second & third posts as a TLS member & apply your proffered advice to yourself.

eastofeden
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Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby eastofeden » Wed Sep 15, 2010 2:02 pm

I'm sorry I don't find this helpful. My second and third posts were in regard to questions about an addendum discussing an undergraduate blemish. In that case, sticking to the facts is usually the best advice one can give. My diversity statement is about my life, and what I've gained from circumstances specific to my life.

My father IS gone, and I haven't spoken to him since I was four. My mother was indeed absent for most of my childhood. I DO only have three blood relations (two of which sisters) in all of the United States. Those are facts, facts which have had an effect on the person I am today, and in a positive way. I'm not sure what your issue is, but it seems you have some underlying resentment towards something I'm not picking up on.

I'm new to TLS and have already noticed in my short time here that there are definitely those who do little more than sh*t on other users and offer little to no constructive criticism. If you would like to make a specific comment, and/or give me some specific advice on how to make my essay better, I welcome that. However, if all you have to offer is disrespect I will not take your advice into consideration.

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bk1
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Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby bk1 » Wed Sep 15, 2010 2:13 pm

Way to come off as a jackass to somebody trying to help you. CanadianWolf was likely focusing on the "don't come across as whiny" and "write well" parts of your earlier posts, not the one sentence you mentioned about facts.

This DS is not well written. It seems all over the place. While the Egyptian heritage is the cause of your mother's displacement, too much time is spent focusing on it. If you want to talk about being Egyptian, talk about that, if you want to talk about displacement then it is only tangentially relevant and should not make up the bulk of your opening paragraph. In the end this DS is not enough about you. It spends too much time on your mother and not enough on how that impacted you.

Also, you try very hard to sound eloquent and it just leads to long, run-on sentences that sound atrocious. Be concise, try focusing on brevity instead.

eastofeden
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Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:30 pm

Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby eastofeden » Wed Sep 15, 2010 2:22 pm

bk1 wrote:Way to come off as a jackass to somebody trying to help you. CanadianWolf was likely focusing on the "don't come across as whiny" and "write well" parts of your earlier posts, not the one sentence you mentioned about facts.

This DS is not well written. It seems all over the place. While the Egyptian heritage is the cause of your mother's displacement, too much time is spent focusing on it. If you want to talk about being Egyptian, talk about that, if you want to talk about displacement then it is only tangentially relevant and should not make up the bulk of your opening paragraph. In the end this DS is not enough about you. It spends too much time on your mother and not enough on how that impacted you.

Also, you try very hard to sound eloquent and it just leads to long, run-on sentences that sound atrocious. Be concise, try focusing on brevity instead.


I didn't intend to come off as a jackass, although I did feel his comment was unhelpful. Just saying something isn't good doesn't do much to help me understand what needs fixing. I appreciate your comment because it is specific and gives me something to go on in revising my statement.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 15, 2010 3:29 pm

I am sorry that you didn't find my initial critique helpful. I do not mean to be insensitive or unhelpful, but you may want to consider scrapping the entire addendum. It is not well written & it does not appear to be a "diversity" statement. Plus, especially in light of your follow-up comments but also suggested in your original post, maturity issues & self-pity won't help your law school applications. Please remember that you sought critiques. If you want someone to rewrite or praise your proposed diversity statement, there are commercial services that will do so for you.

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bk1
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Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby bk1 » Wed Sep 15, 2010 4:08 pm

He did point out at least some problems, the first and the last sentences among other things.

When people are prone to saying "it's just poorly written," it usually means that the statement needs to be completely redone because it is unsalvageable due to the amount of problems it contains.

eastofeden
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Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby eastofeden » Wed Sep 15, 2010 5:08 pm

I'm going to scrap it. My only problem is that most of the things that have really affected who I am today did result from things that may have been lacking in my life. I don't want to appear self-pitying at all, I know that's a death wish when it comes to adcomms. It's a little bit difficult to write about how something negative influenced my life in a positive way without actually talking about the negative.

So basically, the only way to win here is to make it seem like I lived on easy street? What's the alternative?

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paratactical
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Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby paratactical » Wed Sep 15, 2010 5:12 pm

eastofeden wrote:I'm going to scrap it. My only problem is that most of the things that have really affected who I am today did result from things that may have been lacking in my life. I don't want to appear self-pitying at all, I know that's a death wish when it comes to adcomms. It's a little bit difficult to write about how something negative influenced my life in a positive way without actually talking about the negative.

So basically, the only way to win here is to make it seem like I lived on easy street? What's the alternative?


You need to figure out a way to write about loss in life without sounding like you are whining. You should do a little more PS reading and find statemenets that do this so that you can get an idea of the voice.

I don't think that you are actually a whiner, but it is easy to come across that way when talking about senstive subjects. You should look for some of the PS's about dealing with things like cancer at a young age - those could come across as "woe is me, I got cancer really young and my life was awful, pity me" but the good ones don't.

eastofeden
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:30 pm

Re: Tear my diversity statement to pieces?

Postby eastofeden » Wed Sep 15, 2010 5:24 pm

paratactical wrote:
eastofeden wrote:I'm going to scrap it. My only problem is that most of the things that have really affected who I am today did result from things that may have been lacking in my life. I don't want to appear self-pitying at all, I know that's a death wish when it comes to adcomms. It's a little bit difficult to write about how something negative influenced my life in a positive way without actually talking about the negative.

So basically, the only way to win here is to make it seem like I lived on easy street? What's the alternative?


You need to figure out a way to write about loss in life without sounding like you are whining. You should do a little more PS reading and find statemenets that do this so that you can get an idea of the voice.

I don't think that you are actually a whiner, but it is easy to come across that way when talking about senstive subjects. You should look for some of the PS's about dealing with things like cancer at a young age - those could come across as "woe is me, I got cancer really young and my life was awful, pity me" but the good ones don't.


Thank you, that's good advice. My paper writing experience is mostly relegated to philosophy papers, and I'm having trouble transitioning into writing subtle arguments about why I'm a good law school candidate. I'm glad I started my statements two months ago, at least now I've gotten most of the crap out of the way and am figuring out what works and what doesn't! :)




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