Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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abarrios
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Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby abarrios » Tue Sep 14, 2010 8:50 pm

Posted Revised
Last edited by abarrios on Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Lawl Shcool
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Re: Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby Lawl Shcool » Tue Sep 14, 2010 9:05 pm

I think it looks good. Perhaps cite specific examples of things you list in the final paragraph (i.e. specific clubs, jobs, etc).

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abarrios
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Re: Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby abarrios » Tue Sep 14, 2010 9:07 pm

JPU wrote:I think it looks good. Perhaps cite specific examples of things you list in the final paragraph (i.e. specific clubs, jobs, etc).


Is this necessary if it will all be on my resume?

Thanks

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abarrios
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Re: Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby abarrios » Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:11 am

Bump. Is there anythign I should change?

hefox
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Re: Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby hefox » Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:19 am

I dont think you need to list the clubs. I do think you need one sentence transitioning into you talking about you life improvements. something like 'after the third time i was in a court being disiplined for my criminal actions, it hit me.....and now im a much better person because of said disiplines' you know, a sentence ellaborating on when you then changed your ways.

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abarrios
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Re: Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby abarrios » Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:41 am

hefox wrote:I dont think you need to list the clubs. I do think you need one sentence transitioning into you talking about you life improvements. something like 'after the third time i was in a court being disiplined for my criminal actions, it hit me.....and now im a much better person because of said disiplines' you know, a sentence ellaborating on when you then changed your ways.



The "And then it hit me moment" sounds sort of cheesy and dishonest. I'm not sure about that.

What does everyone else think?

hefox
Posts: 49
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 5:33 pm

Re: Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby hefox » Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:42 am

i didnt mean for you to actually use that. i was just giving an example to demonstrate my point

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abarrios
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Re: Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby abarrios » Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:44 am

Hm. I suppose I could add a sentence about finally getting to a university and getting away from my old lifestyle and friends. And how that is when I began to change.

Thanks.

Any other thoughts?

hefox
Posts: 49
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 5:33 pm

Re: Criminal Record Addendum 2nd Draft, Please Critique. Thanks!

Postby hefox » Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:49 am

add some sentence along those lines and then i think you will be good. the addendum is clearly written and to the point. IMO that transition is all you need




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