PS Final (?) Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

PS Final (?) Draft

Postby sergeantpzr » Tue Sep 14, 2010 1:32 pm

My best friend had been under the waves for twenty minutes. Half an hour ago we stepped into the water and before I could turn around a rip tide pulled him out of my sight. The second I got ashore, I knew that Mike was dead. I sat frozen on the beach before I summoned the courage to call his sister. They dragged his limp body out of the ocean an hour later. Mike was gone from me forever. I would have been a drastically different person if it weren't for Mike. My friendship with him shaped my rational outlook on the world, how could he suddenly be gone without reason?

If you had asked me ten years ago whether the loss of Mike would have defined my character, I would have laughed. This was the same kid who had put me in a trashcan, the kid who sent me into years of therapy for depression as a result of his bullying. The nine years of school Mike and I spent together were defined by the severity of his mocking. Yet, soon after I started counseling our relationship dramatically changed. My counselor challenged my perceptions of why I was bullied. Before, I dwelled on my own insecurities and masked them with humor. This encouraged further bullying by Mike. My counselor taught me to view the situation logically, to understand the impetus behind his ridicule. I dug deeper, past my own hurt to understand Mike’s motivations. I learned that Mike felt threatened by my success in grade school. This knowledge gave me poise, and I was able to dismiss his jokes calmly. I could now independently and objectively assess the situation. I was no longer the victim of my depression, and Mike began to respect me and treat me as a friend. Through high school, Mike and I became so close that he moved me into my college dorm. The pain I suffered from Mike became a blessing as it strengthened my ability to objectively make sense of a situation and respond more effectively.

This new ability caught on quickly. I became captain of the logic section of my academic decathlon team in middle school and lead my team to third place in the Los Angeles archdiocese. In high school as I acted as the pretrial attorney in mock trial. We went as far as the semi-finals of the Los Angeles mock trial competition. When I went to college, I discovered game theory. I took every course I could, including graduate studies. I found that the lessons learned from my relationship with Mike were still applicable as I became more invested in game theory. Understanding the motives and strategies of others was necessary for devising an optimal strategy.

At Mike's funeral I found myself caught between wanting to console his mother and his father's belief that I was somehow responsible for his son’s death. As I watched Mike's father glare at me before his funeral, I felt myself learning from Mike again. I felt no insecurity or anger for his father’s blame, I simply felt sympathy. I could separate myself from the situation and feel compassion for Mike's father only because of what my experiences with Mike had taught me. I quietly greeted Mike's father and proceeded to take over the burden of arranging the rest of the service for him. I understood how great his grief must be. I only managed to deal with the experience from Mike’s death thanks to the learning I did during his life. The challenge of Mike’s death was the last gift he gave to me. Because I have endured something as painful as Mike's death and managed to maintain a calm head, I know that I have grown past the emotional reactions of my youth. However, his death reminded me that no matter how powerful rationality can be, the world is still unfair and illogical at times. I will never forget him as I strive to apply the lessons he gave me in law school.

EDIt: new version with crisper sentences. Please help!
Last edited by sergeantpzr on Wed Sep 15, 2010 5:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: PS Final (?) Draft

Postby sergeantpzr » Tue Sep 14, 2010 6:21 pm

bump- I know its only been a few hours, but my last post when oh-for too

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oshberg28
Posts: 176
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 6:24 pm

Re: PS Final (?) Draft

Postby oshberg28 » Tue Sep 14, 2010 7:50 pm

To be honest, some personal statements on here are boring from the outset and I don't read the whole thing. I read all of yours. I think it's very good. Edit: with that said, it could use a little refining. Focus on the grammar and how to make each sentence flow better. If one sentence seems long, either make it more concise or break it up into two sentences.

sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: PS Final (?) Draft

Postby sergeantpzr » Wed Sep 15, 2010 12:20 pm

Hey thanks thats a great point I will do that today. Any other thoughts guys?




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