please review :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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please review :)

Postby dali » Mon Sep 13, 2010 2:32 pm

My journey into, and throughout, college has been bittersweet. Not only was I the first of both my adoptive parents, and my biological parents, to attend college, but I also had the honor of attending an extraordinary “public ivy” tuition free, and in my home state. I could not have been more thrilled when I discovered the amazing education I would be receiving, and at no cost. Or so I thought. The true cost was infinitely worse than any financial debt; it was my adoptive father’s life.
I was able to receive special benefits through the Department of Veterans Affairs because my father had invested 24 years of his lifetime in service to our country through the Marine Corps, and serving in the Vietnam War. War is a terrible tragedy, and while my father made it through with no bodily injury, the terrible things he witnessed would never leave his mind. Both my adoptive father, and my biological father, suffered immensely from PTSD following their tours in Vietnam, and during Desert Storm, respectively.
PTSD was a sinister enemy, burrowing in to pollute their minds. After a decade’s long struggle to put the past behind them, and a lack of adequate medical care through Veteran’s Affairs, the two men I could identify as father left this world. My father passed away in his bed, where he had spent the majority of the previous several years, and my biological father took his own life, after a month’s long failed attempt to use alcohol as a coping mechanism.
As a helpless bystander witnessing these events take place, I grew frustrated by my inability to prevent the suffering around me. These tragedies, along with the horrific car accident my aunt was in last year, leaving her with brain damage and living in a nursing home, have really changed my perspective on life. Happening in so short a span of time, these unfortunate incidents definitely impacted my studies, but now that I have had some time to reflect I believe some positives have come out of everything as well.
I changed my major from environmental science to public policy, in the hopes of eventually pursuing public interest law. I helped my mom find a local university that would allow her to attend tuition free due to her senior citizen status, and Veteran’s Affairs now sends her a monthly stipend while she is a full-time student, which is a major help after living on just social security and my father’s death pension. Also, I have become a stronger person. College is meant to be a time to find yourself and become a more mature and independent member of society, and for me this was even more so. I have learned that rather than depending on others to help me, I can help them. I don’t have to be a bystander, and more than that I’ve learned that helping others feels good. It’s amazing to see the transformation my mom has made, from depressed and lonely widow living with serious financial problems to experiencing the joys of learning and social interaction with her classmates.
Fordham Law School is the perfect environment to further my passions. With the mission “in the service of others” and a nationally renowned program in International Human Rights, as well as the extensive diversity and opportunities afforded by the amazing location in New York City, and close proximity to the United Nations headquarters, Fordham is the catalyst to my dreams.

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Re: please review :)

Postby hncsarge34 » Mon Sep 13, 2010 3:58 pm

Just a few quick thoughts:

1. I think you spend too much time talking about other people in your life. I didn't feel like I learned that much about you after reading through this.

2. This almost feels more like a diversity statement than a personal statement

3. I would get rid of all the contractions

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Re: please review :)

Postby maroonzoon » Mon Sep 13, 2010 4:00 pm

I feel like you spend a lot more time talking about your parents than yourself. I'm not sure how all of this really affected you, other than you saying, "It affected me. I changed my major." Try to put in more details about how this really changed your outlook, otherwise it just seems pretty cursory.

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