Please critique my PS; Final draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
JamesDean44
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri Aug 13, 2010 11:21 pm

Please critique my PS; Final draft

Postby JamesDean44 » Sat Sep 11, 2010 7:06 pm

Thank you for the great comments! Most appreciated.
Last edited by JamesDean44 on Mon Sep 13, 2010 12:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

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AreJay711
Posts: 3406
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:51 pm

Re: Please critique my PS; Final draft

Postby AreJay711 » Sat Sep 11, 2010 8:12 pm

I think this is a good personal statement. It demonstrates your dedications to service, describes experiences after college, goes into your background, and shows some of the diverse viewpoints you can bring to your class. I particularly like how you tell about your challenges but also note your advantages. I think it shows maturity that I would like if I were on an admissions committee.

These are the things I noticed:

"As her hours at work increased the structure in our home dwindled, as did my performance in high school." - Needs a comma after increased.

"After completing my college degree I continued to consider my future and my career options."- Also needs a comma, this time after "degree".

Other than that, I thought your personal statement is good to go... would you remind returning the favor for mine? It's posted under "Second Draft PS"

JamesDean44
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri Aug 13, 2010 11:21 pm

Re: Please critique my PS; Final draft

Postby JamesDean44 » Sat Sep 11, 2010 9:23 pm

Thanks for the punctuation catches! Much appreciated.

sunkissedesq
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Jun 18, 2010 1:29 am

Re: Please critique my PS; Final draft

Postby sunkissedesq » Sat Sep 11, 2010 10:01 pm

I really liked this. It sounds like you had an amazing time. What follows are only my opinions, and an occasional reference to grammar. However, the essay is perfectly good as is. Thanks for giving me an interesting study break!

Third paragraph - should be "My role at this organization is part coach..." Take out the "to be".

"Essentially, I provide the guidance, knowledge, and support that these students would have received had they been born into a family with a college-educated parent." This is just not true. You are not paying for these kids to go to college. You are not sending them money once they get there. The "support, guidance and knowledge" that you reference starts way before junior year of college and entails a lot more than you are doing. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. It is still quite amazing. The statement can be fixed by simply adding "some of the" in front of support.


"Like many of my students, I grew up in a single parent household that lacked a positive male role model. My father passed away when I was two years old and afterward my mother worked overtime to afford her dream of a private school secondary education for both my sister and I. As her hours at work increased the structure in our home dwindled, as did my performance in high school. However, unlike the majority of my students, my mother was college educated and able to provide the guidance and knowledge necessary to ensure my matriculation to college." I'm not so sure that this paragraph helps your case. I get that you are trying to show that you have faced adversity, but at the end of it I am left thinking...Okay, your mom worked a lot. That is not necessarily why your grades weren't good. Lots of kids make it through public high school with one parent, who works a lot, who isn't college educated, and they still have stellar grades.

But, if you are going to leave this, you are missing a comma. 'As her hours at work increased[color=#FF0000],
the structure in our home dwindled, as did my performance in high school. It should also read "my sister and me". [/color]

I also would have liked to hear what your students have given you. I think that that might add what you need for the reader to walk away feeling warm and fuzzy inside (which is always good).

One other minor thing, your essay does give any indication of why you want to go to law school.




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