My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
adevotchka
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Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 4:50 pm

My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby adevotchka » Fri Sep 10, 2010 4:47 pm

Thanks, everyone.
Last edited by adevotchka on Mon Sep 13, 2010 11:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

WayBryson
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Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby WayBryson » Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:57 pm

I think this is good but not great. It sells your ability as a writer and it largely doesn't come across as contrived. You have a very nice descriptive style. However, as it is written now, your father looms too large in it. You read as someone entirely defined by your father--which wouldn't be good even if he didn't come across as a bit of bastard. As a result, when you try to link yourself back to your father in a more positive light in the conclusion, it sounds either weak or foolishly contrived. This also overshadows the very nicely included themes of growing up in a poor town and moving beyond obstacles because it calls to question whether or not you really did overcome those things or not. I hope this helps, and the harsh bits are only meant to help you get the best statement possible. Good luck. I don't doubt that with a few more revisions you will have a very solid statement.

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arism87
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Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby arism87 » Fri Sep 10, 2010 9:05 pm

WayBryson wrote:I think this is good but not great. It sells your ability as a writer and it largely doesn't come across as contrived. You have a very nice descriptive style. However, as it is written now, your father looms too large in it. You read as someone entirely defined by your father--which wouldn't be good even if he didn't come across as a bit of bastard. As a result, when you try to link yourself back to your father in a more positive light in the conclusion, it sounds either weak or foolishly contrived. This also overshadows the very nicely included themes of growing up in a poor town and moving beyond obstacles because it calls to question whether or not you really did overcome those things or not. I hope this helps, and the harsh bits are only meant to help you get the best statement possible. Good luck. I don't doubt that with a few more revisions you will have a very solid statement.


+1! Agree totally. In my (humble and uninformed) opinion: I liked the imagery and ties to your background, but the statement should be PERSONAL-- about you, not your father. It kind of leaves me wondering what makes you an individual.

LawProfessor123
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Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 2:01 am

Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby LawProfessor123 » Fri Sep 10, 2010 9:35 pm

I rather like your writing style, but the subject matter of this essay seems more appropriate for a college application essay ("Describe one person who has influenced you."). I don't think the topic fits a law school application.

adampres
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Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2010 9:48 pm

Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby adampres » Fri Sep 10, 2010 9:50 pm

I really liked it. Thanks for sharing it. Adcomms always seem interested in a personal statement that "tells them who you are". My only suggestion would be to talk a little bit more about what art means to you now. You transition from past experiences with your father directly to entertainment law. But how does your love of literature, film, and art define who you are right now? I think a brief second-to-last paragraph could make that important point and connection. Good luck.

adevotchka
Posts: 101
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 4:50 pm

Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby adevotchka » Sat Sep 11, 2010 3:57 pm

Thanks to everyone who commented--it was really helpful to know that A. I'm not a shitty writer, and B. I'm at least on the right track.

WayBryson wrote:I think this is good but not great. It sells your ability as a writer and it largely doesn't come across as contrived. You have a very nice descriptive style. However, as it is written now, your father looms too large in it. You read as someone entirely defined by your father--which wouldn't be good even if he didn't come across as a bit of bastard. As a result, when you try to link yourself back to your father in a more positive light in the conclusion, it sounds either weak or foolishly contrived. This also overshadows the very nicely included themes of growing up in a poor town and moving beyond obstacles because it calls to question whether or not you really did overcome those things or not. I hope this helps, and the harsh bits are only meant to help you get the best statement possible. Good luck. I don't doubt that with a few more revisions you will have a very solid statement.


.
Last edited by adevotchka on Mon Sep 13, 2010 11:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Sep 11, 2010 4:24 pm

This is a great, not just good, personal statement. If your films are of the same quality, I would love to see them.

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AreJay711
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Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby AreJay711 » Sat Sep 11, 2010 5:00 pm

I think this is an amazing personal statement. There are just two things I would change:

In the first paragraph- your "diminutive home". I think that the use of diminutive somewhat interrupts the flow of your otherwise beautiful writing.

In the second- " Unhesitatingly chose". Same deal except much less you are much less likely to actually use this word in any other context... ever. I would just leave chose by it's self, but that's just me.

These are big, unwieldy words that, while may convey what you mean, could be achieved with ones that add rather than take away from the poetry of your writing. Don't be afraid to use a small word that gets your point across perfectly.

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oshberg28
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Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby oshberg28 » Sat Sep 11, 2010 6:09 pm

nm
Last edited by oshberg28 on Tue Sep 14, 2010 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nol607
Posts: 182
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Re: My PS--endear yourself to me forever by critiquing it.

Postby nol607 » Sat Sep 11, 2010 6:15 pm

I really liked your statement, definitely the most personal and mature that I've read. One suggestion though, in the first paragraph there are a few places where it feels like you wrote thesaurus in hand.




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