Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hotshot234512
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Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 1:52 am

Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby hotshot234512 » Fri Sep 10, 2010 3:47 am

Hello everyone much thanks to anyone who decides to offer advice. Basically I'm trying to get my PS done by October 1st and have really been struggling. Please tell me what you think of the overall direction of my PS. What it needs more of, what it needs that it doesnt have, and what it needs to get rid of. Corrections are appreciated, but really secondary to your broader thoughts:

thanks for comments, I plan on drafting further.
Last edited by hotshot234512 on Mon Sep 20, 2010 4:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

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maroonzoon
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Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby maroonzoon » Fri Sep 10, 2010 4:31 am

Cut out all references to you being a lazy student, to college admissions, etc. The PS should be the one piece of paper where you have the control the paint yourself in the most positive light. I'd scrap pretty much the whole thing, actually...it's pretty generic and only reveals you to be a random student that decided to try harder in college.

cartercl
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Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby cartercl » Fri Sep 10, 2010 5:41 am

I agree with the poster above; it just seems like your average coming of age story. I don't think this will hurt you, but I don't think it will particularly help you either.

hotshot234512 wrote:The air-conditioning was hard at work as I walked into a small Scott Hall classroom, which was necessary but not sufficient to having (or have?) a good day in this penetrating heat.


Very gimmicky. I would remove this.

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Jack Smirks
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Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby Jack Smirks » Fri Sep 10, 2010 5:48 am

hotshot234512 wrote:The air-conditioning was hard at work as I walked into a small Scott Hall classroom, which was necessary but not sufficient to having (or have?) a good day in this penetrating heat.

No. Just no.

hotshot234512
Posts: 39
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Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby hotshot234512 » Fri Sep 10, 2010 12:18 pm

bump

hotshot234512
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 1:52 am

Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby hotshot234512 » Fri Sep 10, 2010 12:54 pm

cartercl wrote:I agree with the poster above; it just seems like your average coming of age story. I don't think this will hurt you, but I don't think it will particularly help you either.

hotshot234512 wrote:The air-conditioning was hard at work as I walked into a small Scott Hall classroom, which was necessary but not sufficient to having (or have?) a good day in this penetrating heat.


Very gimmicky. I would remove this.



Yea lol the joke is pretty terribad agreed, but i thought it could be playful? Honestly I have never taken a creative writing class and really am struggling to come up with a personal statement. I'd like to get my apps in by november 1st to maximize my chance of getting into my top choices. I would probably settle for a PS that wouldn't hurt me, but other posters seem to think this might hurt me? Poster who says I should make no mention of being a lazy student, you think they would hold it against me even if the point is that I have come a long way? I graduated in may with a 3.97 and a 175 LSAT (only take). Hence, I'd settle for a ps that doesn't hurt me, but at this point IDK if i will get my ps to that point.

Last question only based on my PS: do I seem likable? You don't know me so be honest I wont take it personally since it's only a judgment based on two pages of writing.

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buckilaw
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Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby buckilaw » Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:04 pm

With those numbers you can probably submit a personal statement along the lines of, "admit me pls, k thnx" and be perfectly fine. :roll:

Although the conditional reasoning gimmick is just awful. So awful that it may be sufficient to deny / waitlist you.

cartercl
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Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby cartercl » Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:21 pm

hotshot234512 wrote:
Yea lol the joke is pretty terribad agreed, but i thought it could be playful? Honestly I have never taken a creative writing class and really am struggling to come up with a personal statement. I'd like to get my apps in by november 1st to maximize my chance of getting into my top choices. I would probably settle for a PS that wouldn't hurt me, but other posters seem to think this might hurt me? Poster who says I should make no mention of being a lazy student, you think they would hold it against me even if the point is that I have come a long way? I graduated in may with a 3.97 and a 175 LSAT (only take). Hence, I'd settle for a ps that doesn't hurt me, but at this point IDK if i will get my ps to that point.

Last question only based on my PS: do I seem likable? You don't know me so be honest I wont take it personally since it's only a judgment based on two pages of writing.


Well when I read a PS that's actually one of the first things I think about: does this person seem likable? In this case I'm sort of indifferent, and I suppose that's part of the problem with your PS. At the very least, if you have nothing spectacular to talk about, you should make people want to meet you. I don't really get that feeling, but I'm not hating you after this either. I'm just like, okay...

In regards to mentioning being a lazy student, I think if you take it out your PS will be a bit lacking because a large portion of your PS is spent contrasting your past behavior with your present behavior. If you take that out then I don't really know what you would have left. Conversely, I agree that you want to use your PS to portray yourself in the most positive light and discussing laziness could diminish the positive things you do discuss. So there's something to both sides, but ultimately the choice is going to be yours.

And yes, with those numbers I don't think anyone is going to doubt your ability present-day. So I think you can run with this. If this is who you are then this is who you are. There's no shame in being honest and in this case there doesn't appear to be much harm done by doing so either. I would think of a better ending sentence though.

hotshot234512
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 1:52 am

Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby hotshot234512 » Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:12 pm

Thanks for the advice everyone, especially for going into detail carter. I'm wondering does anyone have any specific advice towards improving it. Meanwhile I am trying to come up with other potential ideas!

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough (sandpaper status) Personal Statement.

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Sep 11, 2010 4:41 pm

With a 3.95 GPA & a 175 LSAT, you can do better. Although good, applying to Harvard & Columbia with your highly competitive numbers may require a bit more. Your numbers place you in a category which should result in close scrutiny of your entire application. Overall, your essay is very workman-like showing intelligence & diligence, but offering little in the way of enlightening insights about you, your development or your understanding of the world around you. The last paragraph evidences a touch of insecurity because you throw too much at the reader with too little purpose. There is no doubt that you are a highly intelligent, hard-working individual, but there is no offering of cleverness or passion in your essay. If applying to Yale or Stanford, you probably need more & you need to encourage the reader in a subtle fashion to utilize his or her mind. After reading your writing, I knew about you, your transformation into a serious student & your charitable activities, but I did not want to know any more about you. And that is not good.




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