Please critique my PS; service experience

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
JamesDean44
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri Aug 13, 2010 11:21 pm

Please critique my PS; service experience

Postby JamesDean44 » Wed Sep 08, 2010 9:24 am

:-)
Last edited by JamesDean44 on Fri Sep 10, 2010 11:20 pm, edited 6 times in total.

User avatar
Tanicius
Posts: 2957
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:54 am

Re: Please critique my PS; service experience

Postby Tanicius » Wed Sep 08, 2010 11:27 am

"While it may not seem like it..."

Actually, that was exactly what we were all expecting. Remember that adcomms read thousands of PS's every year. This is the second of its kind I've bumped into just reading the PS board on TLS over the past three weeks. These PS's seem to be strong if the example PS thread is any indication, probably because they're emotional stories and they sound sincere. But remember that this needs to be first and foremost about you. It's not good that you're not mentioning yourself until the third paragraph.

"While I am incredibly grateful for my service experience, it did not come without challenges." Color me surprised. Eliminate sentences that state the obvious or the conclusion you want the reader to agree with. There's no need to say "This experience was challenging" if the experience you just described seems pretty challenging. Imagine if a narrator voice came onto Bruce Willis movies at the end of them and said, "What you just saw was pretty adventurous!"

100% of the time, the conclusion will either be obvious enough from reading the rest of the paragraph on its own, no introduction required, or it won't be, in which case you'd have to re-write the paragraph to make it so. It may not seem like it, but most of the time the paragraphs being introduced by these kinds of sentences flow just perfectly without the introduction. Transitions can often be perceived simply by the change in content.

JamesDean44
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri Aug 13, 2010 11:21 pm

Re: Please critique my PS; service experience

Postby JamesDean44 » Wed Sep 08, 2010 12:12 pm

Thank you for your suggestions. I believe they are spot on. I have edited the original post to reflect these changes, but introducing myself earlier in the statement will take a little more of a rework.

If anyone else has more recommendations or criticisms, please post.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.