Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look! Forum

[DreamShake]

Edit: Thanks for the feedback guys! I'll put this in the sample PS thread after my cycle is over.

[CanadianWolf]

I read your personal statement quickly & while dealing with another matter, but it seems to be quite good & very convincing.

[blackwater88]

I have to say this is one of the most inspiring pieces of written I've read on this site. Sorry for not being able to provide much criticism but it's very well written and straight to the point. The conclusion is not narrow at all. Good luck, and I hope that if we apply to the same schools, our applications aren't read consecutively

[MiamiUG]

wut did you get arrested for

[CanadianWolf]

An interesting aspect of this personal statement is that the writer successfully made the offense irrelevant.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

I'll be honest. I'm not a big fan of the "click, click, click" line in the first paragraph.

But, overall, this is a truly well crafted PS. I agree with Canadian Wolf, you have successfully deemphasized your crimes, and the reader (well, this reader anyways) isn't left pondering the circumstances of your offenses, or doubting your present character.


This line is great:

Nor do I know the extent to which I will succeed—entire systems are rarely changed by just one person.

In it, you demonstrate many excellent qualities -- humility, rationality, insightfulness to name a few.

[DreamShake]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

I'll be honest. I'm not a big fan of the "click, click, click" line in the first paragraph.

But, overall, this is a truly well crafted PS. I agree with Canadian Wolf, you have successfully deemphasized your crimes, and the reader (well, this reader anyways) isn't left pondering the circumstances of your offenses, or doubting your present character.


This line is great:

Nor do I know the extent to which I will succeed—entire systems are rarely changed by just one person.

In it, you demonstrate many excellent qualities -- humility, rationality, insightfulness to name a few.

Do you think the "click-click-click" should be replaced by another onomatopoeic phrase or simply deleted? I thought it sounds a little weird, too, since handcuffs make more of a ratcheting noise--I just haven't been able to come up with the right words. Also, would anybody be opposed to changing the "Nor do I know" sentence to this:

Nor do I know the extent to which I will succeed—entire systems are rarely changed by just one person, and any successes will likely owe to the work of many.

I'd like to convey that I don't think I'm going to be working alone as a civil rights attorney--I know I'll frequently be working in a team dynamic.

[ShuckingNotJiving]

Simply deleted. I see nothing that can be gained from having an onomatopoeia in a Personal Statement for Law School Admissions.

Do not change "Nor do I know." It's much stronger as is.