Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
DreamShake
Posts: 366
Joined: Sun Aug 15, 2010 11:03 pm

Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

Postby DreamShake » Tue Sep 07, 2010 8:43 pm

Edit: Thanks for the feedback guys! I'll put this in the sample PS thread after my cycle is over.
Last edited by DreamShake on Thu Sep 09, 2010 1:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Sep 07, 2010 8:55 pm

I read your personal statement quickly & while dealing with another matter, but it seems to be quite good & very convincing.

User avatar
blackwater88
Posts: 203
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:40 pm

Re: Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

Postby blackwater88 » Tue Sep 07, 2010 8:57 pm

I have to say this is one of the most inspiring pieces of written I've read on this site. Sorry for not being able to provide much criticism but it's very well written and straight to the point. The conclusion is not narrow at all. Good luck, and I hope that if we apply to the same schools, our applications aren't read consecutively :)

User avatar
MiamiUG
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 11:14 pm

Re: Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

Postby MiamiUG » Tue Sep 07, 2010 9:07 pm

wut did you get arrested for

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Sep 07, 2010 9:11 pm

An interesting aspect of this personal statement is that the writer successfully made the offense irrelevant.

User avatar
ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:12 pm

I'll be honest. I'm not a big fan of the "click, click, click" line in the first paragraph.

But, overall, this is a truly well crafted PS. I agree with Canadian Wolf, you have successfully deemphasized your crimes, and the reader (well, this reader anyways) isn't left pondering the circumstances of your offenses, or doubting your present character.


This line is great:


DreamShake wrote:Nor do I know the extent to which I will succeed—entire systems are rarely changed by just one person.



In it, you demonstrate many excellent qualities -- humility, rationality, insightfulness to name a few.

DreamShake
Posts: 366
Joined: Sun Aug 15, 2010 11:03 pm

Re: Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

Postby DreamShake » Wed Sep 08, 2010 2:21 pm

Thanks for the feedback guys.
ShuckingNotJiving wrote:I'll be honest. I'm not a big fan of the "click, click, click" line in the first paragraph.

But, overall, this is a truly well crafted PS. I agree with Canadian Wolf, you have successfully deemphasized your crimes, and the reader (well, this reader anyways) isn't left pondering the circumstances of your offenses, or doubting your present character.


This line is great:


DreamShake wrote:Nor do I know the extent to which I will succeed—entire systems are rarely changed by just one person.



In it, you demonstrate many excellent qualities -- humility, rationality, insightfulness to name a few.


Do you think the "click-click-click" should be replaced by another onomatopoeic phrase or simply deleted? I thought it sounds a little weird, too, since handcuffs make more of a ratcheting noise--I just haven't been able to come up with the right words. Also, would anybody be opposed to changing the "Nor do I know" sentence to this:

Nor do I know the extent to which I will succeed—entire systems are rarely changed by just one person, and any successes will likely owe to the work of many.


I'd like to convey that I don't think I'm going to be working alone as a civil rights attorney--I know I'll frequently be working in a team dynamic.

User avatar
ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: Final-ish Draft--Please Take a Look!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:31 pm

Simply deleted. I see nothing that can be gained from having an onomatopoeia in a Personal Statement for Law School Admissions.

Do not change "Nor do I know." It's much stronger as is.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.